Discovering ME

One of the best things about being home in Penang is being able to go for hour-long walks around the area here. One of the nest things about these walks is being totally by myself, with so much space to reflect and think about the years past, and what I'd do differently.

So here's what I've gathered so far:

1) I want to take control - of my time at work, my free time, my career, my life. Too much of "going with the flow" and waiting for things to come to me just cannot cut it anymore. The best years of my life are passing me by and I'd better get a better grip on them.

2) It's all about control - to attend mass on Sunday

3) To do things that feel good later and not now, like exercising, going to church, volunteering my time. Instead of going for endlessly long shopping trips, watching reruns of CSI, you know what I mean. Mindless things that do nothing for my body and spirit.

4) To lower my pride and guard, and call up my friends more often. To have faith in people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's not going to be easy. But it has to be done, simple as that.

Looking back at the times since I came back from offshore, the blog entries, reflections of floundering in the office after 2 years of offshore straightforwardness and knowing exactly what to do. I have learnt, some things more that I ever imagined

I really feel like there is only so little time left, and I MUST make the most of what I have and use NOW to achieve my FUTURE.

Take A Bow, '08

In 2008, I have:
1) Lost 10 pounds, almost without effort
2) Found myself struggling for the 1st time to keep up at work3) bitten off more than I can chew - sad to say that I will continue chewing the cud straight into 2009
4) Visited Cambodia, Spain and London
5) Seriously rethinking if I really want an assignment into a temperate country
6) Invested in the stock market for the 1st time, and feeling the pain of it - yikes!
8) Found some new people I could really look up, and, sadly, down on (truthfully, I do, I can't help it)
9) Spent, spent, spent and more money than the past 2 years put together (ah, the perils of workign in KL and having almost 24-hour access to Amazon and eBay)
10) Spent half my life living out of my Samsonite in 5-star hotels in KL - and found myself missing my narrow little bed offshore and my new bed AK bought me;
11) Found myself missing my parents so, so much;
12) Missed out on church quite a lot, shamefully
13) Fractured another foot, balancing it out
14) Said goodbye to 2 good friends - 1 to Kl and 1 to Russia;
15) Had my house broken into, my stuff stolen; and went through the achingly slow processes of getting my life on paper back together again, which led to-
16) more cursing of the bloody Malaysian beauracracy
17) Realised that I have people in my life who really, really love me;
18) Experienced for myself how happy a fat, not-so-little cat can make me;
19) Fought and made up about 3 million times;
20) FINALLY got round to Facabook-ing, and now can't get enough for it :)

2 More Nights ~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~................to our holiday!!

4 nights in Barcelona
4 nights in London

Wish we could spend more time, but the Malaysian ringgit does not stretch that far...

Can't wait!!

New Mobile

Waaay overdue, but I just had to post the photo of my pretty new mobile, complete with the Swarovski strap I made myself. (this was taken in my office, hence the laptop. I make lots of notes with different coloured pens, just to keep it interesting - now who says I'm boring???!!)

The conservative side of me thought it was too Paris Hilton at first but AK convinced me to go along with it. Now we're pretty attached and I've got strangers complimenting me on it!! :)

Celebration!

Dinner at Zaika, the new North Indian restaurant in Miri. Prices were Golden-Triangle-like.



Guess we won't be visiting here so often whilst we still got our business trips to KL...

Birthday pressies to myself - Mulberry Bayswater and LeSportSac bags. LeSportSac has proved itself already during our trip to Cambodia; the Bayswater is gonna rock it somewhere else :)

Enough is Enough

I'm sick and tired of everything. How does one end something like this???!!

I'm sick of being taken for granted.

I'm sick of the frustration, the bellowing sessions.

I want what I want.

This has been long enough.

I deserve better, damnit.

I deserve to be able to look forward to early morning weekends.

I deserve not to be judged just because I want to buy a pretty bag or a food processor.

I used to get away with anything I wanted.

I deserve to be able to eat spicy food whenever I feel ike it and not only have it as a big favour to me. I deserve to eat Indian or Malay food without a shred of guilt whatsoever.

I deserve to not have to clean up after anybody but myself.

I deserve to be taken on vacation planned by someone else rather than myself.

YES I DO.

And We're Almost Done!

I really have been spending as if all the oil sold at $150 per barrel was all mine. Here's a roundup of the stars of 2008:

This year alone, I bought:

1) A gorgeous Zara handbag that got stolen in the end
2) 2 sets of 500-threadcount bed sheets
3) A little black dress from Zara
4) Indulged pretty well in Cambodia
5) Paying more than 30k for renovations of my place in Penang for which I have yet to find a tenant
6) COOKBOOKS! - Here we go:

- Falling Cloudberries by Tessa Kiros
- Apples for Jam by Tessa Kiros
- A Year in My Kitchen by Skye Gyngell
- The Wisdom of Chinese Cooking - Grace Young
- 5 Spices, 50 dishes
- Lemongrass and Lime
- How to be A Domestic Goddess
- Harumi's Japanese Home Cooking
- Baking: From My Home to Yours - Dorie Greenspan
- Dim Sum and the Art of the Chinese Tea Lunch - Ellen Leong Blonder
-

- New Jeans that got too small

Notice I prefer books by women? *Grin*

Hiya

Have not been updating at all - just no mood.

So there.

He he just blew a big chunk of $$$$$$$$........you'll see on what.

Fingers remain crossed.

Muahahahah

Finally!

Finally America has woken up and done the right thing.

But somehow I get the feeling that it's not all that it's hyped up to be.

History, indeed. And how priviledged we are to be able to witness it.

Obama '08!

And hoepfully into 09', '12 and beyond.

When the dust (or should I say glitter?) settles, there is SO much work to be done.

But we do have to believe first, don't we?

That was how FDR convinced everyone that the Great Depression could be overcome.

I wish you well, President Obama. May you see us through this mess.

Wish it were true...

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Seriously now, is that even a name??!!

Check this out:



Winning Notification to claimsoffice1

LYCOS ONLINE LOTTERY UK.8TH FLOOR,
1 STEPHEN STREET,
LONDON W1T 1AL, UK.

FROM: THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT.

RESULTS FOR CATEGORY "A" DRAWS

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results of theFirst Category draws of LYCOS ONLINE LOTTERY. We are happy to inform youthat you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is part ofour promotional draws. The draws were held on Wednesday 27th October 2008.Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from123,032 internet websites and from 1,502,099 email addresses ofindividuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia, Europe,Middle East, and Oceania as part of our International Promotions Program.
Your e-mail address, attached to ticket number 50941465206-38, with serialnumber 5772-054 drew the lucky numbers 01-04-06-15-22-31-41 andconsequently won in the First Category in our UK Lottery(Euro Millions).You have therefore been awarded a sum of £500,000.00 (Five hundredThousand pounds sterling) as charity donations/aid from the Lycos OnlineLottery 2008, which is the winning payout for Category A winners. This isfrom the total prize money from 1,000,000 Pounds sterlings shared amongthe 2 winners in this category.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Contact our Claims Department immediately for due processing andremittance of your prize with the following details.Name/ Age/Address/ Occupation/ and Telephone No.

***********************************************

Dr. Richardson Simon,Executive Secretary,Claims Department.
Email: claimsoffice1@lycos.co.uk

***********************************************

NOTE: For easy reference and identification, find below your Pin andIdentification numbers. Remember to quote these numbers in every one ofyour correspondence with your claims agent.

PIN NUMBER: 21556770827633
IDENTIFICATION NUMBERS LYC/UKB/3522

**Note: All replies, queries or questions concerning your claims shouldbe sent to claimsoffice1@lycos.co.uk.
Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you for being partof our promotions program.

Sincerely,

Prof. Firas B. Alomari,
PROGRAM CORDINATOR.

Screwed UP

Would you look at this????!!!

"Huh, what is this? Why are you even considering to help Barack Obama? This man is our enemy. He has every intention of destroying our First Amendment rights and possibly even putting us in jail. We should not be giving him advice out of some naive sense of “objective analysis.” Barack Obama deserves to be treated like some sort of secular “Anti-Christ.”

How much does it take for America, world's richest country, most powerful, to drop the race issue?

How much WILL it take for Americans to look beyond Sarah Palin's incompetence (who by the way was so soundly beaten by Joe Biden I still wonder why people show up at her rallies - she makes our own leaders look vastly competent, and that's saying something), John McCain's rhetoric, and the legacy of George W. Bush?

WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!!!

You're losing your jobs, your 401k's, your children's futures and you're worried about Obama being an Anti-Christ???!!

Us Malaysians, Australians, Pakistanis and Japanese know Obama is not Arab, and he's not Muslim. But some of you still do. You run up all that debt living your unsustainable lifestyles, taking out 120%, 150% homeloans and you can't even bother to pay attention to the details about your future leader? What did you buy that made-in-Japan/Korea big-screen TV for??? It's amazingly, breathtakingly, stupendously ridiculous, laughable, and above all, sad.

This is the country that gave birth to moonwalking, to the Internet, to Google, to the light bulb. I would say that this contrast, chasm of knowledge, is worst than the poor-rich gap anytime. Because, sadly, even when resources ARE available, where (too much) food is on the table and credit cards have no limit, where there is so much, so much press freedom, you can't even educate your general population. I will use another word here - appaling. One more - disgusting.

Racism has created the Rwandan genocide, is creating the Darfur one unfolding as we speak. Racism is ugly. We should never allow ourselves or our children to see colour, to make judgements on our fellow human beings based on colour.

You created this crisis, America. I'm surprised Russia, Japan and Iceland haven't launches missiles at the White House yet.

Slowly, slowly

Have been getting my life back together.

1st progress made today - got my SIM card and ATM cards back.

Funny how it takes 30 minutes to get those but 30 days to get back my ID and another 30 for my passport.

The universe doesn't want me to go to Singapore, it seems.

Well, it does also lool like the universe wants Barack Obama to win the US Elections.

Go Obama!

The Truly Unexpected

There is a heart, that hurts.
But it's not mine, my dearest.

Our home got broken into, and I was declared the biggest loser.

But I have someone who is with me, who has been with me.

Sure, I cried. But I'll get over it.

Hold on, I am over it.

Because life is bigger than a new Zara handbag, than a month-old Canon Ixus 90.

Because, as Miranda Bailey said, It's not the things you have, your looks. No matter how successful you are in your career.

It's about having people around you who love you and care for you.

And it's true.

So to the guys who stole my stuff, I hope they make your Hari Raya a little sweeter, a little better. You probably needed the money more than I do.

So let me tell you, dear reader, this.

There are many, many things I want, but, truly, I have everything I need.

This is Me; My Heritage and I

I have always been (a little) proud.

My mum, Madeleine (no Chinese name) is Eurasian-Chinese. Or Chinese-Eurasian, if you're particular about the dads coming first.

My beloved Grandpa was Hakka who spoke English to his nine children. Probably because my Grandma spoke no Chinese. Come to think of it, I, who spent years of my childhood (from the time I could walk to the age of fifteen) living with my grandparents, can't even tell to this day whether Grandpa spoke anything other than English.

My Grandma is Eurasian, I suspect of Portuguese descent. My only clue of this? She cooks (cooked - she's chair-bound now) some mean Devil curry and we (my mum, Auntie and I) bake pineapple tarts and sugee cake for Christmas. Grandma has a really cool surname too - Jalle.

Growing up my mum was the major influence in my life. I was taught to be, for lack a way of saying it better, almost Anti-Chinese. We watched the Cosby Show, progressed to Friends and shouted the answers to Wheel of Fortune and A-Million-Dollar-Chance-of-A-Lifetime. We spoke exclusively English at home, and thought that was normal. My brothers and I couldn't even order food in Chinese (Hokkien) until much, much later in life. Daniel was sent to a Chinse medium primary school but hated it. It was almost as if he knew it wasn't for him even though he was seven, or twelve. When mum wanted him to go to similar high school he went ballistic and cried every day (and I mean every day) until he got into St Xavier's, where he thrives now.

Thanks to mum, we love Christmas more than Chinese New Year because, well, she did.

Somehow, we were programmed to bring out the tree and buy presents for each other. To eat turkey, sambal and sugee cake. To sing the Golden Oldies (actually that's more Pa than Mum), and to watch all the American sitcoms. To hate steamed white chicken and to be snooty to people who didn't speak English as well as we did (ok, that was mostly me, and I had some peer influence there no doubt).

I can truthfully say that I only appreciated, accepted my Chinese heritage when I was in University. That was when I was the only Chinese out of 20 who spoke none. That's when I learnt to order food in Mandarin. That was where I realized that there were some Malaysians who spoke no English almost their entire life.

I dabbled, wet my toes in the Chinese- gang for a while, mostly because they were my coursemates. But I soon found some people who were more like me and they have been my closest friends, and still are. But I learnt - and changed quite a bit. I now look forward to good Dim Sum, roast crackled pork when I never accepted as a child. I would rather have chocolate cookies and chicken pies.

Why am I writing this? Because I am wondering about my own descendants. What sort of heritage to I pass down? What kind of memories shall I create? How do I want to be remembered?

It's the nostalgia speaking, excuse me. But one word comes to mind though, whatever it may be - delicously.

A New Home, Soon

My dearest,

I have an announcement to make.

I finally have a chance. A real chance.

To have a place of my (our own).

You see, dear housemate has gotten a job in a faraway island just south of the Peninsular.

Which means AK and I, we'll be officially house hunting pretty soon.

I've been a bit crazy about home decor and am absolutely thrilled. A chance to choose my own sofa (has to be the softest, most plush I can afford - is a couch potato priority); to buy big white plates and scrolled silverware; to finally bring out some of the things I bought but never dared to use; to hang up our photos; to finally be able to bring our beloved Baby into the house.

You know what they say, buy what you love and it'll all come together.

Well, he is my wish list of things I have fallen, head over heels, big-sigh-I-reaaaally-wish-I-had-my-own-place with:-

1) Lascurain's joyous Celebrate! and Secret Place paintings, I'd place them in my bedroom. Too beautiful for words.

2) Big martini glasses or glass tumblers

3) Fancy cookware from Le Creuset, cast-iron frypans, silicone bakeware

4) Nigella Lawson's pastel blue mixing bowls

5) Venetian mirrors! Sooooo......jaw-droppingly expensive

6) Dare I - chaise lounge!

7) Small copper bowls and dishes, for Indian banana leaf meals (still hope AK!!??)

And then there are the simplest pleasures I found living here that I plan to make the effort to bring to anywhere I live next, next and next:-

A bathroom that allows views of the foliage outside. Our current bathroom has a window with panes that tilt upwards and inside (so we can see out but you can't see in :) ), and there is a wonderful pleasure to shower and "pretend" to be in Eden.

Eating in the most comfy queen sized bed in the world. Yes, eating in bed. One of life's ultimate pleasures.

Yes,yes, we shall.

You need some Brains for Bread

Finally, a cooking post after almost a year of grumbling and mumbling about work!

First of all, let me say something - it's the oven's fault.

Sigh. What went wrong?

Reminder to self - I need an oven thermometer. Fresh yeast. Half a brain.

Here is my lousy version of the olive oil No-Knead bread, much better versions found here and here.

Is it because (and here is why, looking back, I said half a brain) I:

- Piled the toppings on the dough like a pizza but baked in at a lower temperature?

- ignored the instructions to "Stretch surface of dough on each side and tuck under, creating a round, ball with a taut surface. Flatten dough ball a little. Keep the dough covered until ready to use." I kinda just spooned out the dough from bowl to tray and used the back of a spoon to smooth it out, like cake batter *blush*

- left the dough out only for one hour when the recipe said two?

- really messed up the water measurements (1 cup = 16 tablespoons, 3/4 cup does NOT equal 3 tablespoons)?

But I really, really believe, that it was the oven that did me in. You see, like so many of you, I have an oven which lies to me...(highly suspects that the 200 degC on the oven dial wasn't really 200 degC)

Sigh. Where can one get an oven thermometer in Miri?

Note:

I really like the toppings though. I roasted five whole unpeeled cloves of garlic in butter with some rosemary (yeah baby, I actually used the dried rosemary I brought all the way back from Penang - finally! It came out smelling a bit like toothpaste but the when spread on the bread and went really well with the ham) in foil parcels. I then mashed the soft roasted garlic with the melted butter and spread this on top of my bread. In the middle of the sheet of dough I made a little indentation with my oiled tablespoon and cracked an egg into that. Studded the loaf with chicken loaf and sprinkled the whole lot with dried parsley.

So I would do this again (heh, not that I have a choice, I still have 3 batches of dough in the fridge to play with). Maybe with the same ingredients but as a stuffing like this lady did?

Wish me luck..!

Lazy Saturday

Baby and I are lazing our day away........me, because I kinda have no choice; Baby, because he can.

Now, if you'll excuse us........

Dream Tableware - My List

I want...

- big white plates and serving dishes

- silverware - forks, spoons, knives with ornate carvings- etched stemware like the waterglass here, which I found at Anthropologie.com:-

...Big cappucino cups that double as soup bowls

.....Oriental lacquered bowls with gilded chopsticks, on (faux) rosewood trays

......China blue painted bowls for the kopitiam look - for serving simpler stuff, of course

.......Stoneware bowls

.....Stainless steel or, even better, brass Indian serving dishes

.....And I have fallen head-over-heels (and I mean that - I've daydreamed of them) these beautiful, beautiful scrolled Turkish/Moroccan tumblers....where can I find them???

(Reminder to self: Lim's Arts and Living, Singapore)

Of course, cheery yellow melamine plates and bowls for everyday use. Melamine stands up to heat and looks so much better than normal plastic stuff. Here's mine holding freshly plucked, washed and trimmed pandan leaves.



Slowly slowly I shall build up my collection..you'll see.

Call to Action

The most important persuasion tool you have in your entire arsenal is integrity.

—ZIG ZIGLAR

Day 3 And I'm Getting It

So it's Day 3 of crutches and am already feeling like it's forever.

Housemate is in Singapore/Europe now so I can drive her Auto car to work. Lucky (?) for me this time it's the left foot so as long as I don't have to step on a clutch I'm good to go.

I've done the following since yesterday:

- packed my stuff, including making myself a bread-and-kaya breakfast
- laptop, oversized handbag and all, get myself from house to car, parking lot to office cubicle - think I got this down to a science now. Leaves me exhausted and sweating by the time I reach my cubicle but at least I'm doing it by myself
- refilled my water and made my coffee
- made Maggie Mee with prawn and chicken balls for my dinner
- fed the cat
- hand-washed and hung up my clothes
- threw the rubbish into the MPM bin outside the house

Wondering how I can cook? See, the biggest problem with using crutches is the fact that both one's hands are occupied with them thus making it real difficult to hold anything. When I made my dinner I pushed the bowl around in a chair.

So - a trolley will definitely make it work...hmm....

Another big issue is that I won't be getting much exercise as long as I'm having to hobble around like this. Adding to this, erm, issue is the fact that I'm so bored at home that the only thing that comforts be sometimes is just to eat anything I can get my hands on. Am gonna need a lot willpower to overcome this. The other temptation, is, of course, online shopping but our wonderful Malaysian exchange rates just don't allow it.

C'mon foot, heal, heal, heal...

Workin' It

I told myself that this will not affect me.

That everything should be as normal.

I made my own breakfast at home.

Then I drove myself to work this morning, then, laptop on my back, oversized Zara handbag over my right shoulder, I hobbled on my crutches from the parking lot to the office.

Then at the office, two arms holding crutches, clinging to a wildly wobbling mug, made my hot coffee-with-extra-Nescafe Gold and refilled my drinking water.

The whole exercise has left me exhausted, and my shoulder and arms are tingling crazily now.

Rancangan Tergendala

Last year, when it happenned, it tought me:

1) That strangers are way more helpful than I give them credit for. People offered to push my trolley at the airport, kept doors open for me and generally were really considerate
2) That this company has some screwed up priorities
3) That my offshore folks ARE so much nicer than I expected - hailed cabs for me even though it takes longer to nail one down than to walk back to the hotel in KL, and hold the umbrella for me
4) That no matter how hard I try and pride myself on being independent, I just have to depend on the people around me. And learn to trust them.

Dear God, did I forget all that I've learnt?

No cooking, exercising, going to Pasar Ramadhan, buying mooncakes and kaya buns by myself. For at least a month.

Can't even do damn own laundry or do my own dishes. (Never thought I'd say this.)

Now I just hope that I can get well enough to be able to get to Singapore in October. Please?

If not for the lousy exchange rate, I would have ordered Mes Confitures to make myself feel better.

Sigh. But that is not to be.

Because I need to save for Singapore. *wink*

Loving Us

Our baby is turning into a real whiner nowadays.

Here he's plonked himself on AK's comic book while he was reading on the bed. Notice the comic underneath him?

Here he jumped up AK's computer table, pushed his mouse away and sprawled in front of the keyboard (where it's easiest to stroke and pet him).

Now, who could resist that? :)

Just do it

It was terribly tiring.

After 8 hours, I was back in Penang.

Today I attended my Auntie CC's funeral (cremation).

And her sister thanked me for coming.

I almost didn't make it out of pure self-centric selfishness.

But I'm glad - I did the right thing.

This time.

US

We started out a bit ackwardly.

We spent most of 2006 apart, thanks to our offshore schedules. Let's just put it this way - I would come back from offshore on the same Wednesday that he would leave for his offshore work, and vice versa two weeks later.

If we were lucky we'd spend a 2-3 hours in an entire month together, when my helicopter ride cancelled.


Then suddenly we're on the same team.

And then we almost fell apart.

But he didn't give it up. And I'm eternally grateful he did. He fought for me and then forced me to join the fight - for us.

I am one blessed girl. :)

You see, now we've seen each other through some of our toughest times, apart and together.



Working together ain't no mean feat.

But we work at it (working together) every day now.

And we're growing stronger each day. Becoming a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

Love you, my dearest.

Still I Rise

"There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing"

- Maya Angelou

C'mon Deb, get over it. Get over it get over it get over it get over it.




And so the sun shines, day after day. No matter how miserable one feels, no matter how cynical or disbelieving is somebody, nobody can deny that the sun doth rise, day after day after day.

Can't you see the big picture?

Still I Rise

- Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

The World I Know

I feel like a damn rookie.

Damnit, I've been in this darn company for almost 3 years now.

The past few weeks have been pretty shitty to me. Two days ago I yelled at my mladyconsultant over the phone. I'm supposed to f*cking understand that she's working on another project and thus that justifies a 2-week delay on mine?? - was basically what I told her.

Yesterday I confronted a colleague who I felt was backstabbing me about my work. And I felt better.

This morning I actually got yelled at by my mleadconsultant for saying that I passed something unofficially to him, that it bloody didn't count, that nothing was given, etc etc. Was actually trying to calm him down. Sheesh.

Got myself into a few e-mail wars with other engineers too.

Seems like I'm making my surroundings all the more unpleasant day after day.

And I haven't gotten even a bit of work done this morning, cos am busy trying to recollect myself.

I just found out my Auntie CC passed away last night, after a long-drawn battle with breast cancer.

She was the one who helped me get my post-SPM internship. I remember when we visited her after her masectomy, she was positively glowing and preaching to us about being close to God and how Jesus had plans for her.

She believed, all the way, in miracles, through the fog of pain and extreme discomfort. Tell me, how can someone suffering like that still see hope and redemption while I can't even see through the fog of this work bullshit?

But I suppose this is what I stand for:

Do what you say, say what you do, but don't be mean while saying it.

If I see something that is not right, I speak up. This is proving to be very difficult to do, but I did promise myself that I will speak my instincts, and that if I know I am right then I will defend that thought. Even at the cost of being unpopular.

The more challenging one - if I am wrong then I apologise. It is that simple, and applies to those who are working for me as well as with me. Swallow the bloody pride and do it. Simple as that.

These are my principles, and I will stick to them even as I feel that the much easier route is to grin and bear it, to bluff my way to being right. I could do that, people are doing that. But that's not the person I want to be, or even am capable of being. :)

No one said that doing the right thing at the wrong time was easy.

But you gotta stand for something, or you lose yourself.

Gotta keep telling myself that.

Pouring in the City

It's raining cats and dogs in the Capital of Malaysia.

I do so wanna get to Mercato for another packet of pulasan.

Dinner was a Westin hot dog with two 6" sausages - smoked beef and jumbo veal, with melted fontina on a brioche bun, with beef pastrami on the side and a bowlful of fat chips.

Still hungry after that and an apple and 3 pulasans.

Hungry hungry hungry hungry.

Choices at hand:

1) White lotus mooncake bought yesterday that I intended to take back to Miri and enjoy during my solitary Saturday mornings
2) A packet of Famous Amos no-nut chocolate chip cookies - but believe it or not, don't feel like eating chocolate right now
3) Cereal bar from the hotel minibar


Obviously I have nothing better to do.

Wish this bloody rain would just bloody stop.

*anti-rain dance*

Milestones

I've been doing a fair bit of brooding these days, mostly due to work stuff.

This has gotta change. I have been finding it difficult to identify my worth in this place. I don't kid myself - work is where I spend 80% of my life - one HAS to find something worthy and fulfilling about it or one's entire life becomes a futile exercise of meaningless repetitions.

Thus, in an effort to find the positive in what Iam doing, I will write down the changes that this person has undergone since coming to this middle-of-nowhere town - in no apparent order:

- Lost almost 10 kg since I came to Miri end of 2005

- Visited Europe for the first time

- Flew business class

- Found someone who has stood by me in some of my worst moments, and has brought out the deepest fears/thoughts in me

- Bought my first piece of property

- Invested in the stock market

- Adopted a cat who has grown to become the light of our lives

- Experienced life away from civilization, and whaddayouknow, found a home away from home

- Learnt to cook

- Karaoke'd for the 1st time in my life

- Lived with 300 plus guys for 2 weeks at a time for almost a year

- Realized, for the 1st time, and NOT dreading it - that I'm turning into my mother in many, many ways ;)

Photos are from Bukit Tabur, a hill near Taman Melawati, Kuala Lumpur. An old friend from uni introduced me. Thanks, CS!

Some of the most amazing views I have seen in the capital of our country, no?

Of Grandpa Chin, Devil Curry and Jam Tarts

I remember the periuk belanga, made from an orangey-clay substance, this squat little pot with a slim neck and widening out later; simmering with beef rendang, devil chicken curry. I remember the ladle that we used - it was made with a coconut shell tied with bamboo string to a wooden handle.

I remember Grandpa cooking devil curry again and again and again cos' Rachel, my cousin, told him that she loved it.

I remember "placing" our orders for fish and chips (RM4), chicken chop (also RM4), char koay teow (no tauge, no chilli for Rachel, everything in for Debbie).

I remember telling grandma I wanted dry instant noodles for dinner.

I remember mum saying that grandpa was a way better cook than grandma. I remember him making those stuffed sotong rings - he's mince pork and stuff it into sliced squid rings, and steam them. Mum was so awed by this presentation, she still talks of it sometimes (think I was about eight years old then).

I remember, months before Christmas, Grandpa would be drying out the sugee flour, the cake flour, the almonds, for making the sugee cake. This cake had (still has, actually) the reputation of being not only expensive (10 egg yolks, 2 lbs butter), but it was our Eurasion tradition to bake and distribute this.

I remember helping to roll out pineapple jam tarts, taking turns with my cousins to beat egg whites till stiff, complaining all the way about how those darn clear liquid only had a few miserable bubbles in it (Egg yolks for the sugee cake, egg whites for the chiffon cake). Of course, we were tiny little things then.

I remember making all kinds of shapes with the tart dough - curry puff-like, rolls, etc. But none had as good a pastry-to-jam ratio of taste than the ones we cut out with the tart-cutter, then using a pastry roller, cut half-cm thick filligreed strips to make a criss-cross on the top of the jam. Burning fingers and tongues as we fought to taste our work fresh out of the oven.

Ah, the oven. It was actually an ovenette - a round electrical gizmo with a cover (much like a giant soup pot - but electrically powered) but one couldn't control the temperature, and the glass top would crack if anyone splashed even the tiniest bit of water on it.

And everything was done by hand. Stirring the pineapple jam for hours, standing by the stove. Scrubbing down the pot later.

Hand-beating 10 egg whites till stiff.

In the pestle and mortar, grinding down shallots and chillies for sambal tumis (did I tell you that my mum's family makes the BEST, and I mean the BEST, sambal tumis in the entire universe - I have yet to try one as good. Thank goodness all the maids have learnt to do this so this tradition lives on still).


Which reminds me - Grandma, I would like to inherit those cooking stuff - the mixing bowl, belanga, pestle and mortar.

More from Teluk Cempedak

Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...

Someone sent this to me when I first started work at Intel. I was twenty-three then.

Today, I belong to the late twenties zone.

My personal life has taken quite a lot of ups and downs since I first read this.

They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. Y

ou laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.


And yes, in the words of Bono, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...

Making Waves

Back from Teambuilding in Teluk Cempedak, Kuantan!

I love the pounding East Coast waves - got to do some kayaking and it was the most fun I ever had for a long, long time.

Drank a little wine, danced a lot.
Ate a little seafood, drank a bellyful of seawater.

I've been wound up pretty tight lately, living in a somewhat daze.

But I'd like to believe that life gives me "hints" on what to do, where I belong, and the destiny that awaits.

Oh yes, a destiny awaits. I feel the change in me and damnit, I'm going to make it happen.

- to travel/pay my fines/find dinner company on my own
- to buy the things I know now I deserve, and to actually use them and not wait for the perfect moment
- to make the first move
- to tell the truth, always
- to speak my instincts and not supress them
- to walk away when things are not able to change or improve anymore
- to stand up for myself
- to speak out when something is wrong
- to do the right thing, even when the timing is wrong
- to do my homework

Because, truly, life is about living and not making do.

Oh yes, that's right...most of us couldn't stand up in the 1.6 m-depth pool so we ended up playing water polo on lifevests.....

And so it begins.