The Tug of War in Me

What I want most, right now, is a Tag Hauer watch, and a diamond solitaire pendant.

Fast forward 2 minutes, Oprah on TV, and all I want now is to donate all the money I have to charity.

Sometimes I think there are (not limited to) two sides of me. Nowadays, to the chagrin of my conscience, I want so many material things, and I think of them a lot - cue the Tag and salivating over clothes which I probably might wear a handful of times in my lifetime. I've been window shopping for 1-carat Lazare diamond (AK has generously offered to sell his to buy it :)) and when it seemed futile, on ebay for the likes of this (see above).

Once thought was my life's calling, but sadly is fading into one of dreams (you know, along with the Olympic gold medal, platinum album, US presidency) that was, well, just a dream. Volunteering with the likes of Medicins Sans Frontieres, Mercy Malaysia, and the like. You know, dedicating one's life to helping others.

But at the end of the day, it's merely an excuse, isn't it? Who says that one has to live in tattered khakis without deodorant for the rest of one's life to make a difference? I don't have to uproot myself to do some good. I have weekends now that I'm off offshore, don't I?

And I've always had the most nagging feeling that there HAS to be more to life than work. Nowadays, other than cooking, I really don't have a real hobby that takes up my time.

There comes a choice that one has to make, or I have to make, as I get older and set in motion how the rest of my life will be lived. Will I dedicate myself to my career. Do I still want to rise through the ranks? Do I want to just focus on making money (those are 2 different paths at where I work) and not care about the job - I don't know how to do this yet but there are days when one questions one's truest priorities, and why in the world do I want from my work?

How do I want to define myself? And of course, such a titillating thought - could I have it all? Successful career that doesn't eat up my life (is that an oxymoron?? hope not), enough money for the occasional holiday and some luxury, and a thriving life outside work which hopefully involves some work for the good of others?

There are so many opportunities to help others, especially at where I work now (this state in Malaysia I mean). I just have to get off my lazy butt and DO it, don't I? A