Five months, and I'm wondering

The belly decided to show itself in full force in Month Number Six! And let's not go into details about my worst fear - arse expansion. For someone who used to be in complete control of her body, I find all of this to be new and terribly frightening. Pants that used to hang on me can't fit anymore. What if they never fit me again?? The horror!

But she's kicking, people! And squirming and doing somersaults. At least, that's what it feels like sometimes. We don’t know for sure if she’s a she, but we know she’s growing well, has developed a healthy spine, and – as all the lab tests show – is showing no indications of slowing down. 

Work has been a little crazy - so much management attention on this not so little project I'm in, especially in the space I'm responsible for.

I have had to remind myself not to get too negative at times. I’ve also subconsciously taken a step back sometimes in terms of my emotional investment in my work, because I was worried I was letting the pressure get to me and it would affect the pregnancy.

And this bothers me.

 

I have always been emotionally invested about my work – to me that’s part and parcel of my success so far. How does one put 101% and go the distance, otherwise? Work takes up most of my waking hours, and – whether I like to admit it or not - defines my very person. I (still) am ambitious and I make no apologies for it.

And so I've been thinking a lot about Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer.

Today I declined going to the construction site - not because I can't, but because I thought it was an unnecessary risk for me, my baby and the company to take.

Now I am wondering if it was the right thing to do. Sheryl Sandberg writes about "Leaning In", and not leaving the table until you've actually left the table. Did I just leave the table?

The construction site

It didn't start out like that, for sure. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I was determined to continue Leaning In. In my first trimester I travelled almost every week. I made it a point to put on my coveralls and visit the construction site, climbing over scaffolding and dodging heavy loads. I would always utter a prayer of thanks when I boarded the plane back home. It took enough from me to get through normal office days, much less athose that began before sun-up with a red eye flight and ending with me reaching home well after my first trimester bedtime. But I endured it all, for fear of missing out.

 

I have/would never call myself a feminist. I just want equal opportunity and no special treatment. I have seen some so-called career women manipulate terrified PC bosses into allowing them to deliver (as in work) practically nothing at to take days off at every whim and fancy - at the expense of their (mostly male and single female) co-workers. I have vowed never to be one of those women. I will  carry my own weight (in addition to the baby one - haha).

Look at the women people who condemned Marissa Mayer when she announced her plan to take just a few weeks off work (and work remotely during all that time off). As one of the commentators in this dialogue remarked “She has a legal obligation to maximize corporate profits for her shareholders. She’s not gotten to where she is today by forgetting her duties as a CEO.” I think that hit the nail on the head. I sometimes think that women forget that there is a job to be done. The world doesn’t stop because you have a baby. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. There is a business to be run and you are (or were) just one of the cogs in that gigantic machine.

 

But then again, maybe it's not that simple. There's a definite slowdown I feel in myself. Chalk it up to pregnancy exhaustion, or hormones, or just the fact that there's a little person inside of me who will be totally dependent on me and I need to be thinking more of her and less of everything else.

 

I guess there's no easy, straightforward answers - except to make as much time as possible, get help, and top fretting the small things (translation: our house is a lot messier than it used to be)

In the meantime, I shall give thanks for the fact that we can afford to hire a helper; that all signs point to AK wanting to be a hands-on dad; that our parents are so supportive and ever ready to lend a hand. I don't think I could ask for anything more. In the meantime I've re-started my early morning routines to try and catch some exercise time (to avoid the backaches that start appearing once I stop), so I can work late with the exercise part done for the day.

There's only so much you can prepare for really, mentally and otherwise. I will just have to navigate my wildly swinging feelings towards my child and my career. Onward to the unknown!

Pregnancy Joy

One of my friends, who has a two year-old and just delivered her second, encouraged me to document my thoughts and feelings throughout my pregnancy.

There's so much talk and information online on pregnancy hormones, antenatal depression, etc, etc. I don't know.

All I feel is happy.

I just feel so incredibly blessed right now. I get offered little tips and anecdotese from young mums all round the office pouring in, my parents constantly calling to check on how I feel, friends we go out with so eager to accomodate where I want to eat.

Most of all, my husband has been so incredibly supportive and downright joyful that we're finally getting the child he longs for so much, it's infectious. I think our cat has caught onto his excitement, I kid you not.

Sure, there's still fear, from the superficial (how am I going to get by on less than 7 hours of sleep at night) to world-weary (just look at the spate of bad news - child abuse, kidnappings, racial intolerance, ISIS - why would I want to bring a child into this kind of world? How do I protect her?).

But there's also excitement, and the feeling of growing and infinite love, that it will be more than OK in the end.

Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama

The US Election Race.
Since 2008 - 2009, those euphoric days when Obama was elected, I have always been utterly enthralled by the US Elections. My parents and AK wonder why I, who skip over the local news section, who is sickened by Malaysian politics, who cannot name her own country's cabinet ministers, obsessively follow what is going on in the US. I can spend hours glued to CNN, watching the Convention speeches (have to resort to YouTube this year, given the "squatting" situation), Presidential Debates, and reading dozens of NYT articles and columns on the Republicans and Democrats. I have to say though, the 2008 elections was particularly unique and almost legendary what with the Barack Obama, first-black-president hype and of course, the comic relief of Sarah Palin. But as I listened, and I mean really really listened (and not just to laugh at Ms. Palin's gaffes), the issues they talk(ed) about, that they try to address or avoid, really affect us all. The sad thing is with all this listening and reading, the result is a deep cynism for politics in general. Lobbyists, "special interests", all prevail, and all too well in Washington. Check out the Republicans' blatant declaration that their top priority was to "make President Obama a one-term President". Really? What about creating jobs, improving the economy, all in the backseat, eh?

The 2012 Democratic National Convention happenned recently, and two speeches stood out like shining stars. Other than their content, they also serve as amazing lessons in authenticity and how spoken words can move thousands (or millions, I hope). Michelle Obama's speech was heartfelt, warm and painted the picture of President Obama's sometimes-missing personal side. I shall not be petty and compare it Ann Romney's, which was - to put it the most polite terms possible - insincere to say the least, almost childish and sets the movement for the emanciapation of women back by another 100 years.

Bill Clinton's speech was the killer. I listened to it twice, never noticing how long it was (almost an hour). He dissected the Republican agenda and what it would mean in plain, simple terms. He highlighted what was so wrong with the right wing these days - that hate and fear are prevailing, that the Republicans blocked President Obama attempts at job creation in Congress at every turn. After watching this, and reading some fact checking sites, I just don't get how any average American would vote for Governer Romney's bill.

Oh, and let me just stay this - even if you are not the slightest bit interested in politics or world affairs, just watch these as they are - Masterclasses in oration.

Hearting the Olympics



The Russian basketball team collapse on each other upon winning the bronze medal match against Argentina. Source



What is it about the Olympics, that grand spectacle that has us all enthralled? Why do professional atheletes, who earn so much out of this arena anyway, display such passion and heart when it comes to this tournament? Why is it that a team of full-grown macho basketball players collapse to the ground in a heap of tangled bodies - when they realised that the bronze medal is theirs? Why did (my) tears flow just reading about Mo Farah crossing the 5,000m finish line (winning his second gold medal), or just at the very sight of Oscar Pistorius, the double amputee 400m runner?



Mo Farah's priceless expression upon finishing with gold in the 5,000 m - his second. {Check out this Source for super funny Mo's Meme's)





Double-amputee Oscar Pistorius "The Bladerunner" awaits his 4 X 400m relay teammate. Source



Why did the Lee Chong Wei-Lin Dan badminton final have Malaysians in tears when LCW pushed the shuttle across the court line, handing Lin Dan the gold, again? And post-match, have what seemed to be the entire nation speak up on social media on the pride they felt in LCW, because although he lost, he fought his heart out - for the nation's first ever gold medal? (By the way, was that ever a badminton masterclass of a final, or what? A true showcase of the beauty and delicateness that is badminton). Why does a gold medal even matter to us?

In this age of cynism, of individuality and the servitude of one's self-interests above all else (read about the EPL transfer sagas and you will understand what I mean), why is the Olympics different?

It is once every four years that I cheer on the runners at the athletics, be entertained by the grace and artistry of rythimic gymnastics, puzzle over fencing (so fast that most of the time I am left wondering what just happenned), debate the judges' assesments on the diving competition (congratulations Pandalela), thoroughly enjoy the music and creativity on display at synchronised swimming (supercool stuff, and how in the world do those synchronised swimmers make it look so ridiculously easy), gawk at the swimsuit parade that is beach volleyball, and wonder why in the world would someone take up weightlifting, discus or the javelin (I mean, football or running I can understand), and practice at it again and again and again in anticipation of the Games?

And while I disagree with/despise so many things about this bloody country, this has never stopped me from passionately supporting my fellow countrymen. I can't explain exactly why. But I guess that's what makes the Olympics so special and why it has endured since Ancient Greece, through war, disasters and everything else. It is a celebration of the human physique, and many a time, of the human spirit and the wonders of friendly competition. It is a testament to how sport can bring people together, unite a nation, how it can be a common language that all of us can speak, no matter where you are from.



“Oscar is someone I respect.”
Kirani James of Grenada exchanges bibs with after James won the 400 m heat and Pistarius was subsequently eliminated. Source 





"Skill wins you medals, attitude wins you hearts."  ESPN commentator.
Dato' Lee, we salute you.



On careers and choices

Call me old-fashioned, but I have never been much of a feminist.
See, I don't believe in things like "levelling the playing field", "diversity and inclusion", crap like that. I believe that either you stack up or you don't, regardless of your gender.

Meaning, if you want to be a CEO that has to wine and dine clients, then that means many nights of getting home after your kids go to bed. It means sacrificing your weekend to cut a red ribbon at some official event. Why should concessions be made just because you're a woman and you want to read your kids a bedtime story? And, even more ridiculous, if you have jobs that require people to stay offshore for long periods, why bother to even try to get women into long term careers there? I have observed female technicians offshore having to pass on tasks that require some physical strength to the guys. Which means, they could not pull their weight. Where is the equality there? I have always found it strange that women expect concessions to be made for them in the workplace, but when it comes to other folks (i.e. the men) having to do more to cover for them (if something has to get done, it has to get done, no?), become strangely silent. I know it must be terribly politically incorrect to say this - I firmly believe some jobs are just not cut out for women (offshore, the Army come to mind). As with everything else, it is merit that counts, not some laughable policy of having women in leadership just for the sake of having women in leadership.

So here's the thing. I recently received a couple of job offers, and I found myself considering stuff I would have never expected to, as someone who always considered herself not only ambitious, but who never expected any concessions to be made just because of her gender.

So I don't expect anyone to level my playing field or give me a leg up because I'm female. So it makes some sense, don't you think, that I never expected to have to make my own concessions or compromises when it comes to getting ahead. Now, being a woman in a relationship (marriage, family), with a career, I am starting to feel some of these contradictions. Who gives way in a dual career family? Who follows whom?

I received an offer from a competitor company, and declined as it would be better for both of us to work in the same organisation and progress together. Fair enough.

Then there was another offer to work in the Middle East. I have never worked, nor studied, abroad before and that has always been on my must-do list, although I will admit that an Arab country was not what I envisioned. I am giving it up also as I should not be going alone, I am not getting any younger, we need to stay together to start a family, etc etc. I know it's the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean giving up an opportunity like that was an easy decision. And what irks me is that had the situation been reversed, it would have been easier for me to follow my partner. It's normal. But not the other way around.

I know it's for the best, that many things are more important than climbing some ladder and money (heck I even wrote about it), but the truth is and call me naive, I never expected to make these kinds of decisions. I always imagined myself as a go-getter, and here I am declining offers left and right. And while I would not give up my relationship with my partner for anything, that I love the mutual support, the prospect of a life together, I will say this - these decisions don't come easy.

Oh man, now I wonder if I'm really ready for kids.

Update: It turns out that that so-called offer to work in the Middle East, was never that great to begin with. So all's well.

Hunger and Mighty

I finished two really great reads last week. The first was The Hunger Games Trilogy (if you've been living under a rock, you must have at least heard about the movie and the awesome Jennifer Lawrence).

For a change, I watched the movie before I started reading the book, and thankfully the director/ producers never reallt strayed from the author's plot. So, unlike my experience with Harry Potter, the characters etched in my mind do look like the cast of the movie. I think they did a pretty good job with the casting too, with the bright-eyed, earnest face of Josh Hutcherson playing the pure-hearted Peeta and the darker, heavy-lidded Liam Hensworth playing the proudly anti-establishment, almost vengeful Gale.

You probably will have no idea what I'm talking about if you haven't read the book. While most reviews would have you know that the plot revolves around a bunch of kids fighting it out to the death for the entertainment of the masses (like a really sicko reality series), the underlying tale is that of the heroine (unwittingly and sometimes reluctantly) inspiring the people, united or not, to start fighting to overthrow opression by a dictatorship. The masses look to their "mockingjay", their talisman, so to speak, for inspiration and as a symbol of the uprising. I found that the most poignant parts involved Peeta, from the beginning where "accidentally" burns bread so he can give some to the starving Katniss, to his determination even before the first Hunger Games that "I want to die as myself....I don't want them to change me in there", right up to the end when he struggles, painfully, to overcome the "tracking", meaning poisoning of his mind by his torturers.

Mighty Be Our Powers - This is one of the very best books on the (very trendy) subject of the enpowernment of women I have read since Half the Sky. Actually, it is one of the best books I have ever read, full stop.  Leymah Gbowee, Nobel Prize winner, mother, activitst, once insulted by her father and abused by her partner, led a group of women to say, enough is enough, they had enough of war, enough of their children suffering, enough of ordinary men's helplessness.

This book is also a memoir, beginning with how a promising young teenage girl's world is torn apart by civil war. As the tale progresses she is bold and unflinching in both describing the horrors of war (young boys soldiers threatening rape and slaughter, women sharing their sorrows, slaughter of citizens taking refuge in a church). Amazingly, she is equally forthcoming about her mistakes (hooking up with an abusive man - her father, who at her high school graduation pary predicted big things for her, called her a "baby machine", shaming her into taking control, alcoholism). She also writes about the fellow women in her support system - particularly her sister Geneva, who became "the wife" who stayed home and looked after her children while "the husband" Leymah earned the living and did great things. She recognizes that she could not have done what she has done without Geneva. She also points to the people who pushed her beyond what she thought she was capable of - her first boss who challenged her to dig deeper into why her country was thrown into civil war (these things don't just happen, resentment and dissatisfaction has been simmering for years), her partner who encouraged her to pursue her university education and paid her fees, her fellow activist Thelma who pioneered the outreach to women as action parties during times of war. She brought women of varying ethnicities (sometimes at war with each other, ethnic rivalry was the heart of the Liberian civil war anyway), religions (Christians and Muslims), backgrounds (a single mother with little possession, "out of a bush", who wanted to do more; a strong-willed Muslim policewoman; a privileged, upper-class grand dame) to condemn the war, sit in peaceful protest and shame the warlords into a peace agreeement. It is amazing to read, and her descriptions of the complexities of organizing thousands of women in one place in protest, made me feel like I was running with her in a white t-shirt (the protest "uniform") under the hot Liberian sun, handing out water in one hand and holdng up a placard in another.

I have been reading a fair bit of of nonfictions lately (kinda my new thing). Some I have talked about. I have read memoirs about slavery in Sudan and this wondrous tale of a Cambodian lady, who, enslaved in her youth, became a fighter for young girls in Cambodia. They are all heart-wrenchingly tragic and leave the readers with some insight into their respective plights. But Mighty, which dares to reveal so much more than just these tragedies, exposes also the similarities each and every woman share, whether you are a Disney heiress or a Liberian peasant - a willingness to do anything for her children, the endless multitasking, the heartbreak at the suffering of children, that nagging guilt that comes with success, because a mother should be with her children and not go on the road teaching peacemaking. With success, comes sacrifice. Leymah does not gloss over this either.

I came out of this book feeling altogether awed/inspired, useless, ashamed and grateful all at once. Awed by the grim determination of this woman to pull herself out of her personal rut (no one would blame her is she stayed, her country was at being torn apart all around her, for goodness' sake) and make something of herself. How she worked in the day to bring in the money, studied by candelight and her babies' beds towards a university degree. How silly my own "I'm too tired" excuses look now. Inspired by her courage not only to do what she did, but to NOT gloss over her own flaws, mistakes, fears and regrets. She is a human superhuman. And this, to me, is where the true poignancy of the story lies. That every one of us is flawed. It's what you choose to make of it. That one cannot go it alone. That you need to surround yourself with people who will believe in you. That one person can make a difference. That women are truly powerful, but not in the way you would normally think. One reviewer on Amazon put it really succintly when she said, "Make Life deal with YOU."'

On an end note, I am going to post this picture that has been making its rounds on Facebook lately. I am at this point in my life when I feel almost suffocated by my own helplessness and self-servitude. I know I need to change, and I have some things in mind. I still have to wait for that move to KL and take some time to settle down, so it's not gonna happen overnight. So until then, this is a reminder.

Atonement, Fall of Giants and other bits of the weekend

Lots of italics coming up, it's one of those posts.

~ Oh my, Atonement is positively gut-wrenching. My heart is broken, I tell you. And taken. By James McAvoy, who has swept me off my feet as "the young man who crossed the surrey in his best suit, swaggering with the promise of life" and lost it all - his bright bright future and his one true love at the throw of the dice, or rather the lying words of a naive young girl. Those electric blue eyes. That preppy short hair. The very upright-ness of Bobby Turner, his character - in his determination, as he wrote in his letter, to "live without shame", his lilting French, the way he walks with his back so straight, so upright. Swoon.


~ I seem to be drawing multiple parallelisms between the movie and Ken Follet's Fall of Giants, which I am currently chest-deep into. They make me reflect on the same things. How war changes everything. The fruitlessness of it all and the despairs - families and lovers torn apart, heartbreaking letters to and from the front lines, and of course, the terrible death of innocents. And the how their characters conduct themselves - on the surface, quintessentially British eloquence and conservatism, almost bordering on shyness. But you have to take a second look - into their (often blue and piercing) eyes, read into the bow of the head, the hand placed on another's. All contradictory to the searing passion behind closed doors (or in Atonement's case, it was cracked open). In my head, one of the book's protagonists (ahh a German, ironically) is Mr. McAvoy, tortured good looks and all.

~ Listening to Matchbox 20, especially this song on the iPhone. I think of my two brothers. Despite me being five and eight years older than them, we somehow have to come the same conclusions on a few very important things in life. For example, that Matchbox 20 is THE best band ever. That mankind has yet to produce a movie as awesome as The Lord of The Rings. All three of us have read the book, more than once. Oh, and the music. Sure, my brothers shake their heads at my fondness for haunting, wintry, almost new-ageish music with lyrics that don't make much sense (Cases in point: these numbers) and they're almost embarassed about my fondness for Taylor Swift. Dom's taste also runs questionable at times (erm, "Barbra Streisand" by DuckSauce, anyone?). But one day we just broke out Bright Lights together, trying our very best to twang the lines "Baby, Baby, Baby..........Maybe, maybe, maybe..." the way Rob Thomas does (and, I suspect, not being very successful) so you can understand why listening to this makes me all smiley inside.

~ My adorable tea sub that I ordered when in London. Works like a charm, looks like it belongs in a cartoon. Yesterday was a particularly stressful day at work. Couple that with the insomnia I had been experiencing the past two nights, and by yesterday evening my head felt like it was about to explode, among other symptoms. Before I went to bed I filled my submarine with green tea leaves (from Thailand) and brewed the tea using my new super cute glass. I breathed in the grassy scent and let the hot steam rise to my face. I took deep breaths. I sipped my brew, lightly sweetened with honey. I smiled at the sight of the fat yellow sub, and of course as the sight of my fat yellow (orange) cat bounding around the bed. And I really could feel myself feeling better.

I know, I seem to be living and dreaming anywhere else but here or in the moment. These are all I have now.

Giving thanks and starting (not so) fresh

What I am thankful for:

1) AK's decision to sign us up for an Investment seminar, albeit with much doubt and hesitation (from both of us) due to its unorthodox pricetag. We got to know some pretty cool people, and most importantly we're DOING OK. More than OK, in fact. Most of all, I know I am a lucky girl :)

2) All the wonderful family time. I met up with my family in KL and came back to Penang for CNY, a cousin's wedding, and for Christmas. Such good times, especially with my two brothers, whose company I have come to truly enjoy. The biggest con to where I work is not being able to come home, or meet my family on a whim. So I really soaked in everything I could, whether when back in Penang, or in KL. I look forward to more of this.

3) My decision to just sock my doubts and laziness, and hit the road. Unsurpassable experiences with my cousin in India, loads of frivolous fun with an old friend in Bangkok, as well as soaking in the likes Seville, Venice, Seminyak and Ubud with AK.

4) Most of all, the opportunities in Two Thousand Twelve. I still have so much to look forward to, especially a golden one looming so CLOSE BY. A pretty huge decision, but I look forward to making it, really. For once, I really am in the driver's seat in the car of my life. Or steering the course in the ship of my path. OK, enough lameness. Pure blessings brought me to where I am today, but the next course of action will be all of MY doing. Most of all, I am grateful for the upcoming change(s), whatever they may be.

Dear God, I thank you so much for this. I know I have not been the most chaste or humble or faithful of disciples, that I have been spoilt, ungrateful and a downright *beeyatch* at times, but I truly am grateful. It took me a long time of stewing in my own self-pity and anger and indignance, but I did TAKE ACTION for once. I rest in the fact that You always know what's best for me, and have helped me to see things for what they really are (Why not two years ago??? - sorry).

Well, one can't really usher in the new year without making a few resolutions, right?? Here we gooooooo.............:-

To continue:

- Re-reading excellent books like Nouriel Roubini's Crisis Economics and Ben Graham's The Intelligent Investor. This time, make a summary of things I learnt and write it down, for goodness' sake. Continue learning and investing.

- Exercising and weight training. I will need to increase my elliptical training sessions to more than the standard thirty minutes. Do more thigh muscle exercises to keep my ridiculously loose kneecaps in place and stop hurting me.

- Practicing confidence and self-affirmation. To keep the big picture in my head. To smile and hold my head high and shoulders straight. To constructively confront. To keep negativity to myself.

- Exploring cooking and baking. Because they keep me sane.

- Travelling. Because I must.

To Reduce:

- Impulse online purchases.

- Emotional outbursts and taking advantage of AK's patience. To keep an open mind and heart when disputing domestic issues (like household tidiness).

To Start:

- Inviting people out for lunch or dinner or just a drink.

- Imbibing. I need to learn to be able to hold my drink!

Two brothers and sister, circa 1990

Noel

It is that time of the year, when the malls are decked out in all their garish glory, where fake trees in purple and white and gold are decked out in all sparkly spangly things.

It is that time of the year when I re-attempt to put a very grumpy Boo Boo in a Santa hat.

This year, maybe jaded from all the spending I did this year, the urge to shop eludes me. I just cannot wait to get home.

Welcome Angel.

Boo Boo asleep while mama relaxes (AK: So what else is new??)

One of my few Christmas deco purchases this year - an adorable FAT Santa.

And three sparkly stockings + December reads.

A little visitor.

Roundup

This year will be the beginning of change. First, I WILL BE MOVING BACK to the Peninsular! Being able to see my family more than three or four times a year, getting our OWN place, having my parents/brothers/cousins stay come over for weekends, celebrations or just dinner, these are just a few of the things that I plan to do once we get back. Plus all this, of course.


Having said all that, it was not an easy decision to give up on a posting opportunity to come back on local. Having grown up, studied and worked local, I have always dreamt of what it's like to live abroad. But as AK said, we've been away long enough. It's time to go home.


And another year passed by. Here's a lookback:


I read quite a bit (could have been more), quite a few on my newfound interest no less. The best one so far is Nouriel Roubini's Crisis Economics. Damning, fascinating and powerfully informative all at once. I plan to continue my learning and education on the state of world finance and economics. One of the gravest mistakes I ever made was to invest solely based on little details and not taking into account the bigger, more serious picture. I am playing catch-up now, and no doubt it has been made all the more difficult given today's votality and uncertainties, but it is hugely fascinating and most of all, truly essential.


I cooked and baked quite a bit. Nothing groundbreaking like making pizza or bread or gyoza for the first time, more of revisitations of my past successes and little tweaks here and there. Fun nevertheless.


I travelled! India, Bali, Bangkok, Seville, Cordoba, Venice and London! I am so thankful for the opportunity. India especially, I have been wanting to go for like, forever! And finally I decided to just DO IT, coming back feeling altogether overwhelmed, grateful, sorry and ecstatic. Next year will be year of travel austerity for me, as I expect my finances to be tied up in a new home, and other things involved with settling down. So the plan is to cut down on travel and instead visit BKK to shop for home stuff and maybe another sojourn to Sri Lanka or Vietnam, both of which have been on my list of must-go's for the looongest time.


Most importantlt from now on, I resolve to be more myself. To practice confidence, to NOT be afraid of who I really am and most of all, to not be afraid to show it. I am an emotional, tear-easy shopaholic who loves to cook, who dreams of entertaining, who travels because she seeks both spiritual and material fulfillment. Who still dreams of being successful on the virtue of writing about food. Who loves football and the act of watching it with father and brother. Who would rather stay home and re-arrange the furnishings than go out drinking till wee hours. Who would rather spend money on a cast-iron teapot than a pair of really pretty shoes, much to the horror of her best friend. Who really appreciates the simple joy of a sparkling clean home, as well as brunching with her friends. Who invests. Who voraciously devours news and information on economics. Who sobbed uncontrollably reading both Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper and Nicholas Kristoff's Half the Sky. Who keeps up to date with what is happenning in the world. Who thinks her cat is the cutest, most precious thing in the whole world. This is who I am.

Adieu Steve Jobs

I don't know why, the news has affected me more than I expected.

I was talking to my Dad over the phone about this, and he said. "Pity, he won't be able to enjoy his retirement."

Thing is, I think he didn't have to have a retirement to enjoy his life. He was doing what he loved, he got excited every day and he enjoyed every moment of what he did, as it was evident to see.

Listening to his 2005 Stanford commencement speech, he followed his heart and his head (his parents couldn't afford his expensive college fees, so he dropped out and started a company out of their garage instead), office politics of the worst kind - maybe even betrayal (the CEO he brought in to lead Apple ousted him out of the company), and through it all, the love for what he did kept him going, reaching the heights greater and greater.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Change of Heart

A couple of months back, I took part in something called a Shadow Coaching program, where a young chicko like myself was assigned to someone in really high management. In my case it was our Asia-Pacific VP, a well-respected industry figure who worked for the likes of Shlumberger and was awarded some honorary Masters for achieveing so much in her field, as a woman nonetheless.

I was supposed to "shadow" her to meetings and discussions, observe how she interacted with others, and generally feedback to her on stuff like how I thought she could improve her interactions, etc. It was supposed to 1) "Expose" someone my age and (read: low) seniority to the upper echelons of the company and soak in how a giant multi-national bla bla company should be run, and 2) give someone like her a chance to get some feedback from a fresh pair of eyes (yeah I know, raw deal for her). It was a great opportunity for me to see and be seen in a company where "visibility" is everything.

So I went along with the program, observing her give feedback to my boss's boss's boss, chair meetings with the heads of the company's China, Philippines, Brunei and Malaysia operations, watched her juggle financial numbers and asset inegrity issues. She even offered to take me to accompany her to the Singapore office to see how she handled her bosses. I also got a glimpse of her schedule, packed with Yoga classes, business trips to China and Singapore, as well as toga parties and trips to Paris, where she has her own apartment.

I learnt one thing in particular.

I don't want to be her.

I don't want to be a corporate monkey anymore.

There was a time when I was super ambitious, make no mistake. I went where the boys went, did what they did (as much as possible) and made sure I worked twice as hard as everyone else. Sleepless nights, onshore days spent in the office, taking on as much work as I could so that I learnt twice as fast as everyone else, or so I hoped.

I have come to realise one thing. OK, several things:-

1) It's a myth that one, a woman especially, can balance work and family. If you can, then, like another boss I know, you have zero time for yourself. This lady, good as she is at doing what she does work-wise, rushes home everyday to her kids, hardly goes on vacations, and has zero knowledge on the outside world because when she's not working, every waking moment she has is spent on her kids. No time for herself, and I don't even mean vacations or anything. No time even for watching/reading the news! What life is this? And CEOs/managers have to socialise all the time. Whether it's golfing with your Joint Venture partners, having some company dinner, cutting the ribbon at some charity event on the weekend, there's always something. I mean, it's alright if you love what you do. What if you don't? But make no mistake, in the beginning of your career you spend the hours learning and working, at the apex of your career you spend your extra hours schmoozing and pretending that that idiot's point of view is the best you ever heard. I have spent countless hours in company dinners wedged to my seat, laughing hollowly at my bosses' tales of when they were young and "hands-on." Hours of my life I will never get back.

2) No matter how hard I work, the damned government takes its cut. A corporate job is the worst when it comes to tax cuts, purely because most government policies are designed to favour the small business owners. There's a whole (excellent) theory behind that - businesses consume more, and they create jobs. And governments like that. The closest to job creation corporate monkeys will come to will be for Indonesian maids.

3) Many a time, it's not how good you get, it's who you know. And I have proven to be pretty lousy at the game. Sad but true. I'll have you know that I am working on this, but to tell the truth I kinda hate it :( I mean, I have had a job where I met new people every week and loved it, so by no means am I a recluse or shy. It's just that I get very bad at shmoozing for the sake of shmoozing itself, or worse, for myself and not for getting something done.

4) The trouble with the gigantic, beauracratic company like the one I work in is that work/achievement does not always correlate with reward. I know I sound bitter, and I would be a liar if I were to say I'm not. But there is a reason the Dilbert cartoons are so successful - this is common.

5) There is no UNLIMITED earning potential when you earn a salary. 'Nuff said.

What I want is FREEDOM, TIME and MONEY. Time to pursue my real interests, to go on vacations with or without my kids, time to spend with my parents. Money to do all these things. Freedom to do what I really want to do, to focus on OUR bottom line, not some else's.

Don't get me wrong. I acknowledge that there is no such thing as having all three without hard work, perseverance and the lot if you're not born into it, or did not marry it haha :)

But at the very least, I now know what I don't want.

Pause for thought

The housewarming visit last weekend has affected me way more than I could have imagined. We ate his roast lamb and bread-and-haloumi salad, laid on his plush sofa and oohed and aahed at his Bose sound system that costs as much as my car (second hand), a built-in oven and all the works. To top that, he announced after dinner that he was about to buy a fancy European car. Granted, a second hand one, but still....

Which inevitably leads to unintended comparison. AK and I lead rather simple lives. We rent a little house for RM650/month, and I hire a maid once a fortnight to do the heavy housework and ironing. I make do with our little kitchen, and our furniture are the cheapest we could find. We drive the same cars we had when we first joined the company. We both refrained from the iPhone 4 temptation. My friend lives by himself in a new detached house, gets his cleaner in twice a week and the service costs of his car could probably pay for mine ten times over. Our money is locked up in stocks and property. We do take some pretty nice vacations though, by far our most indulgent expenses. Don't get me wrong - I choose to live like this. And for the most part, I am happy. What am I saying? I am happy. I have someone to spend the rest of my life with, the world's naughtiest, funniest orange cat and a loving and supportive family.

But when it comes to the way we spend money, he more I think about it the more I feel like the little ant toiling away, resisting the temptation to rest and enjoy the summer sun, while the grasshopper enjoys the comforts the sun's bounty allows him to - for now.

Things are, of course, seldom that simple. "Winter" could spell even more trouble for investments than simple cash - and what if we're wiped out in the next big recession and had to start anew? What if it made no difference at all - and we lived it all for nought? What if the ant's hoardings just rotted away, and he had to start anew just like the grasshopper? At least the grasshopper enjoyed himself while he could.

After THAT weekend

The good news:

1) Someone took a good look at our financial situation and the end result was validation, not to mention relief

2) We met quite a few mature, successful and interesting folks our age whom we'd love to continue to get to know. People outside of our working lives, who have similar goals and sensibilities. People whom we can learn from and share experiences with. I met someone my age who took a two-year career break to pursue her passion. When will I have the guts to do the same?

3) Our direction is clear - relocate, liquidate some of our paper assets and dive into a brand new, exciting venture. Our age and and where we are financially means that we possess just the right risk appetites and financial muscle (if we do say so ourselves) to be able to do this. Guess we should start counting our blessings more often.

The bad news? None, really.

For myself and myself alone, all of this has invigorated me somewhat. Make no mistake, I am still down on the fact that we are where we are (actual location). And the pull is now stronger than ever. But at least it gives me something to look forward to - and importantly, to plan for and move towards, that independence and giving up a cushy job to pursue something I truly want to do is not an impossibility.

We just have to lay the foundation, and I guess you could say we have been laying it for some time now - working offshore and not spending as much money as some of our peers, staying in this rural township, renting instead of buying, and getting into investment before we reach our 30's. Here's hoping for that big leap (or two), for better things to come.

The Human Touch?

Today, some two months after the sinking of the Deepwater Horizon Rig, the NY Times posted that "Faced with the continuing American furor over its gaffe-prone British chief executive, Tony Hayward, BP is putting a former Mississippi resident in charge of handling the Gulf of Mexico oil spill and its aftermath."

He doesn't have a British accent like Tony Hayward - he has a "Mississippi" one, so the media'll probably be more accepting.

He apparently knows "what crabbing, shrimping and fishing is about". Geez.

I guess the human touch, a familiar face, even in situations that are obviously calling for calculated expertise and cold calm, is important. I don't know - aren't we letting our emotions take over here? Does this really matter?

Hmm. The Human Touch. The Familiar Voice.

I wonder.

On Me, NOW

- I work day and night with men, and I best most of them on the job. Sorry, gotta say it.
- I'm a huge fan of Taylor Swift
- I listen to the lyrics more than the music
- I love mostly Rock, and Country songs. Sweet Child of Mine, after all these years still gets me on my feet
- I love U2 too
- I'm still gaga over Jason Castro, the 3rd Runner Up in American Idol. I doubt I can be such a huge fan of any other AI contestant anymore
- But David Cook's music on AI was da best. Jason just had me at "Hallelujah"
- When I listen to a song that whets my musical appetite, I whip up my cheapo Paris Hilton mobile and key in the lyrics as I hear them. I then Google those lyrics, get the song title and then I Ares the song :)
- I sometimes dream of imaginery statuses on for my Facebook profile - e.g. Deborah is deciding between the sand dunes of Oman and the Ice floes of Sakhalin, or Deborah baked Nutella cupcakes today, or Deborah is in Bali, ChiangMai, climbing Kinabalu, diving off Sipadan, "diamond solitaire or Le Creuset Dutch Oven, or better still, KitchenAid". Or Deborah gave her boss a good piece of her mind". I really need to get a life.
- I'm a closet exhibitionist (hah! now that's an oxymoron)
- I pretend as much as possible to stay cool, calm and collected. But truthfully, I suffer from verbal diarrhoea more often than I'd like to admit. Sigh.
- I really wanna show off by sharing my baking produce with my collegueas, but I'm afraid of being known as the Muffin Girl, or worse, Brownie Bimbo
- I really wanna wear my black shift to work but am afraid to
- I really am afraid of a lot of things
- I enjoy being alone most of the time. In fact, truthfully, I'd rather be alone than with company I feel so-so about
- The only friends I really miss are my schoolmates
- I miss my family so much sometimes it hurts. Reading an email from my dad makes me break out in tears sometimes.
- I have a deep, fierce love for my younger brothers and would do anything for them. I hope they chase after their craziest, wildest dreams no matter what and not settle like their sister did
- I was diagnosed as having under-active thyroid glands, which make me - put on weight easily, and cold all the time. I hate being cold so much more than feeling hot, and would pick Nigeria over Russia if I was presented with the choice
- I have a love-hate relationship with Miri. I love the lack of traffic jams, the general kindness of the people, the fact that my house is 2 minutes away from work and all this enables me to pursue things like baking and investing. I hate the lousy service, the wacko/sleepy/totally unaware drivers and the lousy car parks. I am grateful that there really is nowhere to spend my money on, but resent all the things I cannot buy.
- I love babies and little kids but the thought of having my own scares the hell out of me so much.
- I love Kevin Spacey for being so cool in The Negotiator and LA Confidential, and Colin Farrel when I saw his bad-boy, just got out bed look on E! Channel
- Watching Gray's Anatomy makes me regretful that I did not pursue my first love of medicine. But being offshore, and some elements of what I do now actually gives me plenty of satisfaction

Try and catch me now....

Walking the Tightrope - My New Schedule

There are days when I wish I was Molly of Orangette, who has so wonderfully, successfully merged her two loves - food and writing. She suffueses family, memories, friends, adventure(!) into her cooking and then spills over into her writing. Or Joycelyn of Kuidaore, who at the very least is Nigella-esque in describing her food, but so much more elegantly so. These are my food lit idols, along with Nigella, of course.

I tend to lurch in between the two in terms of my own blogging, and normally end up with some dry description of some pathetic looking concoction.

But most days I love it. I loved it when I made ice cream for the first time, loved it when I fried my first (and still last) lor bak, loved it when I baked my 1st batch of brownies or when I stayed up till 5 in the morning baking batch after batch of meringue cookies at low heat.

Then again there are days when I feel like I want to be Andy Grove, or Warren Buffet. These are the days when I stalk the corridors of my office like a tiger in prowl, when I speak up at meetings and get involved in making strategic decisions, when I make a difference in the business and want to continue doing so. I feel like flying up the (corporate) ladder, working at a frenzied pace till late hours then come back, exercise (like the well-rounded, ever so disciplined person I intend to be) then read some Ben Graham and watch Bloomberg.

Now seems to be one of those times. Work is picking up and I;m starting to get that all-too-familiar feeling of more responsibilities. I see it as something really positive and am truly grateful for it - am starting to attend a lot more meetings and people are actually asking my opinion and getting me in the loop in the very important decisions. Cool.

But I still want to cook and bake and potter about the kitchen with my mixing bowls and spatulas, cursing my (free) oven and spilling flour into all the tile crevices. I still think I don't make enough money and want my money to work harder for me. I still wanna be thin.

So I've worked out a schedule for myself:

5.45 am - Wake up, make extra-strong coffee. Turn on Bloomberg/CNBC and catch the US markets summary and what President Obama is going to do next
6.10 am - Get on the elliptical for half an hour, followed by 25 crunches on the stability ball and stretches. TV on all the time.
6.45 am - Take a bath, wash and dry hair. Drive to work (2 minutes, haha)
7.15 am - Work. Prioritize tasks, attend meetings. Resolve things sooner by calling people up intead of emailing too much. Clear as much of my Inbox as possible. 10 minutes before wrapping up the day, write down a list of things to do tomorrow.
5.30 pm~6 pm - Go home. Prepare dinner, watch American Idol, Bake. Read Ben Graham in between takes. Take photos of food. Think of better ways to describe them.
10 pm - 10.30 or 11 pm - Read Ben Graham in bed till fall asleep.

Yes, I have to wake up early, I have to make my coffee at home instead of sipping it slowly in the office while my PC starts up. I have to wash my hair in the morning and blowdry it. I have to use my own coffee stash instead of the company's (yes I'm cheap) and I use a lot more leave-in conditioner to avoid my hair going brittle with all the blowdrying. On the plus side I look really groomed nowadays with my coiffured hair :) And I feel like a really zen, disciplined, mature person somehow with this schedule.

When the going gets tough....

"Blessed is the person who sees the need, recognizes the responsibility, and actively becomes the answer."

- William Arthur Ward

Losses, Regrets and Recovery 101

Expensive lessons learnt:

1) Should have renovated the Alila house instead of mulling over it like I have so much money

2) Shoulda bought the investment books BEFORE plonking down 50k, not AFTER the Financial Crisis - but who knows, I coulda been more reckless

3) Shoulda not signed up for that stupid slimming treatment in 2005 out of sheer disillusionment and desperation. Stupid chill-wrap treatment when I know deep in my heart that only a sound state of mind, happiness, self-assurance and EXERCISE would restore my former glory

4) Shoulda bought a cheaper Dell instead of a top end Toshiba - lifespan, with my lugging it offshore, it made no difference to the duration I had it for...

Am super pissed at myself. Sigh. There, have vomited this out. Still don't really feel better.

But there is always a way out, with patience and effort and help from loved ones. Here's the bare bones of the recovery plan Rev0:

1) Call up every housing agent I can find on a PR blitz on the Alila
2) Read and understand the books before jumping anymore
3) Hold on to the PB and Nestle stocks I think

- Spend less, but with so many things I need to buy for both Miri and Alila homes..not sure if this is a realistic scenario. Sigh.

On the bright side, even with all the deductions from the housing loan and study loan, I'd save about 2k a month.

And I haven't lost everything to Bernie Madoff, like this guy who wrote in Time Magazine. His family and his wife's lost everything, a total of USD30 million. Crazy!! I really should learn a lesson or two from someone who lost her entire retirement savings to Mr. Madoff:

"If we have to live this way now, we will. Those who will make it through this are those that don't identify themselves with their bank accounts, they will transcend this. Those whose egos and self are wrapped up in their assets will be lost."

I still have my asset. Still have my income. It's not all that bad, and lessons have to be learnt after all, especially for a pighead like me.

And here's a really inspiring one:

"We are all connected whether we like it or not, and our collective energies can change things for the better, while our collective indifference can kill us.

Nobel Prize–winning author and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel knows this all too well. What must Wiesel be thinking right now? His Foundation for Humanity destroyed by a big-shot Jewish financier? Impossible. But the foundation had $15.2 million under management with Bernard Madoff Investment Securities. This represented substantially all of the foundation's assets. And the double hit for charities like Wiesel's is that there will be no tax recovery available.
Yet out of this ruin, Wiesel's foundation, in a statement of grace, found something inspiring: "The values we stand for are more needed than ever ... We shall not be deterred from our mission to combat indifference, intolerance and injustice around the world." They've been hit, but they are not down. Life and work go on. "

Another one, from Larry Leif, 58, a successful sporting goods and toy company entrepreneur in Delray Beach, Fla., his retirement is more than on hold, it's completely disconnected. Leif, who has been planning his golden years since the age of 19, lost his entire $8 million retirement account with Madoff. Now it's nothing more than a series of phony statements he thumbs through while shaking his head.

I'm blessed," he adds. "I'm healthy, I have great friends, and I have a new focus in my life, one I didn't expect three weeks ago. We can make this system better for everyone. This is now my mission."

This is one dividend that Madoff could not steal.

So who am I, really, to complain?

Rooster in the Year of the Ox

Yay!! I have a feeling that 2009 will be better for me, as after a bumbling 2008 (1st year back in the office, more downs than ups, a second fracture, relationship LOWS and improvements thereafter)

There's so many things I want to do, and I might not have the time to do it all, but here's tops of my list:

1) Learn to interpret company balance sheets and calculate Price to Earnings Ratios, etc. Yes, I fully expect to be there for the rebound. To be honest it's not that simple to follow, but hey, I've calculated integral models of air flowing aroung helicopter blades, and I've learnt to cook pretty good. This is one more hill to climb, all I gotta do is commit, and learn, learn learn, practice, practice, practice.
2) Start lobbying for my next assignment, 1st of figure out what it is exactly that I want to do
3) Listen to motivational CDs, re-read my Jack Canfield and Anthony Robbins and Stephen Covey.
4) Cultivate not only my hobbies, but my image and overall being. Sure, I revamped my wardrobe but I want to stop with the dishevelled hair, the eyebags. I want to WEAR success on my sleeve, and really feel all these words - invincible, impeccable, elegant, unstoppable, unsurpassingly capable

Rooster Ratings 72% (10 favorable and 2 neutral months)!!!

Get ready for an outstanding year. Aside from the Snake, the Rooster has the best prospects in the year of the Ox. This is the kind of year you have been waiting for, as everything seems to go your way. You have been diligently working towards some long term goals that finally come together this year. Your relations are felt at new levels, as you find a sense of satisfaction that you may not have experienced in a long time. Things you may have thought not possible will become a reality for you in this positive year.

Rooster Career
Determination and diligence are two key aspects that put the Rooster over the top this year. 2009 is a year that you should promote yourself: Your ideas and your talents will be highly regarded and you will be recognized for past and present efforts. Give it your best this year and seize any opportunity that presents itself. This year will certainly be a landmark for years to come, as you will remember it as one of your most productive times in your life.

Rooster Relationships
Domestic matters will fare well for the Rooster this year. You will find comfort in the support and encouragement of family members and friends alike. Seek advice from your seniors, as they may provide information that opens doors to areas that are not known. The social life for the Rooster is a busy schedule. You will enjoy the company of others in many social functions and parties. Romance is highly favorable for the unattached Rooster, so flaunt your feathers.

Rooster Health
Health issues are minor for the Rooster this year. Though exercise and diet are not an issue, you may have a problem maintaining the discipline of a steady routine. Take the time to get the exercise you need and everything should work out fine for you. Being somewhat of a risk taker, you may want to try something new that holds your interests. Consider surfing or parasailing to indulge your fancy.

Rooster Wealth
This a great year financially for the Rooster. If you have any available funds, you may want to reinvest it in your work. This could prove to be highly favorable and you will reap the benefits in your return. One key issue is your spending habits. Make sure you don't spend the money before it is in the bank or this could pose a problem with your budget. Receive professional advice for any large investments in areas that you are unfamiliar.