The World I Know

I feel like a damn rookie.

Damnit, I've been in this darn company for almost 3 years now.

The past few weeks have been pretty shitty to me. Two days ago I yelled at my mladyconsultant over the phone. I'm supposed to f*cking understand that she's working on another project and thus that justifies a 2-week delay on mine?? - was basically what I told her.

Yesterday I confronted a colleague who I felt was backstabbing me about my work. And I felt better.

This morning I actually got yelled at by my mleadconsultant for saying that I passed something unofficially to him, that it bloody didn't count, that nothing was given, etc etc. Was actually trying to calm him down. Sheesh.

Got myself into a few e-mail wars with other engineers too.

Seems like I'm making my surroundings all the more unpleasant day after day.

And I haven't gotten even a bit of work done this morning, cos am busy trying to recollect myself.

I just found out my Auntie CC passed away last night, after a long-drawn battle with breast cancer.

She was the one who helped me get my post-SPM internship. I remember when we visited her after her masectomy, she was positively glowing and preaching to us about being close to God and how Jesus had plans for her.

She believed, all the way, in miracles, through the fog of pain and extreme discomfort. Tell me, how can someone suffering like that still see hope and redemption while I can't even see through the fog of this work bullshit?

But I suppose this is what I stand for:

Do what you say, say what you do, but don't be mean while saying it.

If I see something that is not right, I speak up. This is proving to be very difficult to do, but I did promise myself that I will speak my instincts, and that if I know I am right then I will defend that thought. Even at the cost of being unpopular.

The more challenging one - if I am wrong then I apologise. It is that simple, and applies to those who are working for me as well as with me. Swallow the bloody pride and do it. Simple as that.

These are my principles, and I will stick to them even as I feel that the much easier route is to grin and bear it, to bluff my way to being right. I could do that, people are doing that. But that's not the person I want to be, or even am capable of being. :)

No one said that doing the right thing at the wrong time was easy.

But you gotta stand for something, or you lose yourself.

Gotta keep telling myself that.