Book Review: Eaves of Heaven

The Eaves of Heaven

What a harrowing, poetically narrated tale of life through war after war.

The world failed the Vietnamese over and over, through its French colonial days, the Japanese occupation, civil war and the notorious Vietnam war.

I wish for his childhood experiences for my daughter, and adolescence and adulthood on not even my worst enemy.

The narrator describes his childhood of running through paddy fields, cricket fights, grasshopper hunts, of Lunar New Year and Mid-Autumn celebrations.

As his grandmother taught, the eaves of heaven dealt good and bad in cycles. Devastating floods brought death but fertile harvests, and lovely days brought future storms.

The narrator alternates between this idyllic childhood with tales of famine during the Japanese occupation, plunder and wars during the French re-occupation and its fight with the local Resistance, and the Vietnam war itself. His family, once rich feudal landowners, is gradually torn apart with each and every war and ultimately with the fall of Saigon itself.

One thing that struck me throughout this book was that the true heroes of Vietnam are the wives/mothers/stepmothers. The narrator's mother and Aunt skilfully placate warring factions to protect their families. His wife makes difficult long journeys from the city to bring him medicines when he is held captive by the Viet Cong. His stepmother supports the family by selling lottery tickets at the roadside to support the family while his father degenerates into opium addiction. After his patriach uncle dies, the entire family moves from one city to another, while his wife stays behind to "manage the family estate, as great personal cost to her." He never elaborates on what that means.

So many times whilst reading this book I wondered at how much one human soul can possibly endure. 

What is it like to gradually see almost all your childhood acquaintances and your relatives succumb to war, either with their lives or their souls.

What is it like to put your life on the line (whilst serving in the army), trying to lead your men to risk their lives (and yours) while knowing that your commanders are not just corrupt and incompetent, but don't even blink at the prospect of lost lives on their own side?

I read quite a few books on the war in Vietnam, but this is the first one told from a Vietnamese perspective. I look forward to reading more of his works, and just placed an order for this.

My Prayer in Spring

I should have(?) more poetry in my life.

Let me try again: Poetry should play a bigger role in my life. Beauty and motion in words - I need more of that, more reflection and pleasure in prose, more appreciation in the every day and the abstract instead of trying to pin down certainties and endlessly speculate to no real benefit.

When Emma was born, this piece by Robert Frost really spoke to me. I wanted to write about it but never got to it because, well, motherhood and I could never find the words to describe how I felt. 

Fast forward one year, and it still does. And no, it's not that I can find the words now - it's that I'd better just pen this and just accept the fact that I will never find the right words.

Emma is my prayer in spring. My spark of joy amidst the everyday mundane. Every day is anew. She makes me want to to create and not consume, she forces me to be both selfless and tireless. 

A Prayer In Spring
by Robert Frost

He give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.
Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.
And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.
For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil.

Emma is One Under the Sea Celebration

Emma turned one recently, and I still find myself disbelieving the facts - one, I'm a mother; my baby is no longer a baby, that I'm momma to this joyous, spunky, loving little girl. Sure, we'd love for her to have more hair, but truly, she is perfect.

Notes about motherhood, especially being a working mum, have been steeping in my head for some time now. Maybe I'll find the will and time to share those thoughts before she turns two.

We celebrated Emma's birthday with a simple, 90% DIY party. We hosted slightly more than 30 adults + kids at our humble home. I chose the Under The Sea theme, a loose interpretation of Emma's love for water and sandplay, and, well, I love the colours. 

Wave streamers, balloon "bubbles", and helium balloon "sea creatures"

We spent one weekend in Chinatown KL sourcing for stuff. I bought turquoise and green crepe paper, dark and clear blue balloons, teal paper bags and cute whale bath toys in bags of 20 for door gifts, and I also found these dolphin foil balloons. I also found these adorable wooden pegs with sea/water creature shapes on them, which I knew I could use as part of the gift bags.

Whale bath toys from Petaling Street. These were accompanied by packs of fish crackers and chocolates in the goody bags

DIY goody bags - we glued little sea creatures from Bugs Party onto plain teal paper bags and affixed these cute wooden pegs on them (bags and pegs from a shop in Chinatown)

Goody bags all ready for little hands

From Babyland we purchased plastic sea creature models, and these dolphin and shark boxing dummies (not sure what they're really called), for RM15 each!

Stuff I sourced online: clear balloons, small plastic sea creatures and a very cute octopus balloon. Very quick delivery.

We also paid Spotlight a visit, and I got really overwhelmed. The variety is huge, but the prices ain't cheap. After much deliberation, wringing of hands, taking and then putting back stuff on the shelves, I managed to pare my purchases to a few pieces of felt for Boo's shark costume, and iridescent ribbon for hanging balloons.

I initially wanted to get a catering company to provide the food, but work and life and general carelessness got the better of me and all the catering companies turned me down at my one week notice. In the end, this became a blessing in disguise. We ordered satay from our favorite place, and AK also decided to order 100 mini dessert tarts - banoffee, lemon meringue, chocolate mint from this place. They were pretty good, especially the banoffee and chocolate mint. Would prefer the lemon meringue tarter, though. 

I cooked seashell pasta with my mum's favourite bolognaise, and made chicken nuggets. I also found this adorable project on Pinterest - a watermelon shark! Read up the tutorial, and attempted it on the morning of the party itself. Gotta say, I think it turned out quite well. Filled with chilled watermelon chunks and grapes. I made tinted jelly to pour into the bottom of the tray, to make it look like the sea :) My cousin made the gorgeous cake, an amalgamation of similar ones we saw on Pinterest. I loved loved it. I also made cutout cookies in sea creature shapes - made the dough the weekend before, cut out the shapes and froze them before the party so I wouldn't have to stress just before the day itself. I used this recipe, which turned out well - easy enough to roll out (I divided the dough into 8 parts and had to re-chill each batch after rolling out and cutting, but hey, it's Chinese New Year weather in KL - I was just thankful for the fact that I could cutout and transfer the shapes into a tray)

I cut streamers out of the crepe paper, and AK hung the blue ones on the ceiling (like waves, see?), and the green to look like seaweed on the walls. We grouped the ballons in strings of 3-5, to mimic bubbles. We hand pumped the latex balloons - we considered helium at first (Spotlight offers filling services), but balked at the price of filling them and the logistics of it all. So we decided that only the 3 sea creature balloons would be filled with Helium.

The play area with its beach towel, dolphin and fishing "pond". 

One thing we knew we had to set up was a play area for the kids. So we used our foyer as the space. We put down Emma's play mat squares and I covered the offending red squares with my blue peshtemal to mimic a beach towel. We put down the boxing dummies and a blue basin with a fishing game - with a magnetic rod and fish. We also placed the presents and basket of door gifts there. Turns out the kids were more interested in fishing Boo, who was languid, docile and generally a good sport throughout.

Isn't this just so perfect??

Emma was more interested in her goody bag than blowing out the candles on her cake

Scraps of fabric from Spotlight to jazz up the dining table

Adorable octopus balloon

Homemade sugar cookies in sea creature shapes. Had lots of trouble with the icing, ironically with the purportedly easy instant "just-add-water" mix, it wouldn't spread evenly. 
Next time I'm just going to source the meringue powder and make my own.  

My watermelon shark in his blue pool

Overall it went very well, even if I do say so myself. You know, as I was frantically calling caterers over the Chinese New Year holiday week, I was totally regretting putting myself up to this. I moaned to AK about this party being all about me and Emma won't remember a thing about this party when she's grown up.

The truth is, yes, I was thinking a little of myself when I made up my mind to have this party. But when people started coming, relatives and friends taking turns to hold Emma, the kids got settled into the play area/on the sofa with Boo, and friends started grouping around, eating and chatting, I realized what a party is all about. It's about bringing together our nearest and dearest, to celebrate in our joy with our little girl. And I'm not sure if we're going to be up for this every year, but it was pretty fun coming together as a family to put up decorations, source for food, take turns taking care of Emma, etc. In fact, after the party is over and I don't have something to plan for/a project to tackle, I feel kinda lost. Even my helper got super enthusiastic and was in on most of the decisions.

Sure, I said next year we'll just go on holiday instead, but we'll see. 

Totally unnecessary sea creature mantelpiece

Greetings

Emma has been really getting into the spirit of Christmas - pants or no pants.

And in the blink of an eye, it's December already. I have these posts in my head - scattered sentences that sound good, that need effort to string together. This post is a mishmash of all the stuff I’ve been dreaming about, actually doing, or have done.

Does it happen to you too? These days I start off a post, my mind wanders, and then I lose sight of what I wanted to say in the first place.

I've noticed shortness in my attention span that's surely becoming more and more acute. It almost definitely stems from my very undisciplined (read: far too much) use of my mobile devices (turns out, I’m hardly unique). Honestly, I love Facebook and Instagram too much to disconnect completely, but I do recognize that I need to change it up.

I am looking forward to a good 3 weeks off. And this time, I do NOT have a looming intense workshop to trouble me when I return. Instead I have a feisty, attention seeking 10 month old.

So, in the spirit of more than just unplugging, but to create rather than consume, below is a list of things I plan to do during my time off:

1) Prep my homemade Christmas gifts. Salted caramel, chocolate crackle cookies, roasted nuts, vanilla pound cake are some of the things on my to-make list this year.

2) Tend to my garden. I want to pay a visit to some nurseries. No major purchases except soil and what I need to replace my dead herbs, repot with new soil. We also just got our contractor to build raised beds behind our house, and I intend to plant low-maintenance Pandan and lemongrass there.

3) Catch up on reading. I want to finish All The Light We Cannot See (on the list of NY Times’ Best Books of 2014, for goodness sake).

4) Finish watching this. Lately I've been a bit obsessed with alternate history novels. I’ve gone through phases of Spain (as in the country); South American history specifically on the war on drugs and American interference; Slavery/Women’s rights; Medieval England (OK, just the Matthew Shardlake books really); Living, eating and cooking in Paris/France (Julia Child's My Life in France has out to be one of my absolute favorite books. I loaned it to Francophile friend and we’re planning our imaginary French countryside roadtrip; French parenting, and ugh, grisly true crime.

With alternate history, it started with CJ Sansom’s Dominion (which stemmed off the Shardlake series), followed quickly by Robert Harris’ Fatherland. I have to say, I have yet to find a book that really satisfies with a story. Loved the dark, gloomy setting and the atmosphere of fear and oppression that Sansom conjured (just as good as his Medieval England settings in his Shardlake series), but the story was nowhere as good. Fatherland was disappointing to me – I hate books with half-cooked endings. I want to know exactly what happened! I want you to tell me, author! 

The Man in The High Castle, which is based on the book of the same name, has been gripping from the get go. In fact I’m seriously torn with wanting to read the book (and end up not enjoying the series as much), or just watch the series and not knowing what comes next (FYI, I read Game of Thrones when I was still in university, and knew about the Red Wedding/The Mountain slaying Oberyn Martell in the duel years ago. And the HBO series still doesn’t live up to my imagination).

5) Get fitter. I haven't worked out for (I think) 3 months, and while the weight gain has been minimal, I hate the way my body feels, the lethargy and stiffness that I didn't have with regular exercise. Take walks (with Emma), swim (take Emma for swim lessons), and (if I'm being ambitious) go for a yoga class or two.

A few other notes:

- One of my favorite columnists writes an unique gift guidecolumn. Instead of the usual tie/sweater/scented candle, he gives recommendations on charities/causes to give to, a chance to make a difference in this world. In this world of corruption and scams, one of my general concerns when it comes to charity is of course whether my money will be put to good use. With the credibility of his work and the NY Times behind him, Mr. Kristof’s list is probably what you want to refer to if you seek to do more than a little good this festive season. I will be donating to TrickleUp. The downside to this is that you have to donate in US dollars – but even 20 dollars goes a long way here.

- In light of this miserable state of our economy (and country as a whole, really), I’ve scaled back on the purchases this year. Usually I’d be going crazy at Zara (I love their Fall/Winter collections), ordering presents for my brothers and cousins online, falling for all the prettily packaged cookies/chocolates at Jaya Grocer. None of that this year. The only goodies I bought was a tartan skirt (been wanting to recreate this look for a long time) and a pair of Silpat non-stick baking sheets for baking cookies (from Amazon – super fast delivery and still cheaper than local retail. Highly recommended). With Emma around, I guess I also want to make sure we focus on experiences. I play calming, jazzy Christmas carols near bedtime, put up decorations around the house, and even messed around with local “pine” tree branches and leaves in an attempt to create something handmade. Boo and Emma got super excited and decided to hijack the effort, but of course. Really, it is little moments like these I need to cherish.

An attempt at frugal Christmas decorating, with 2 rather unhelpful elves

- We’re still throwing our annual Christmas party with colleagues this year though, and I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and roast my own turkey, which is half the price of buying a ready-made one. I made AK drive me to 3 grocery stores to see what was available (local organic – looked a bit skinny/wiry to me; American Halal – “preserved” in some kind of broth-salt mixture so not suited for the dry brine I intend to do; and the generic American one that comes in sizes ranging from 5 to 7+ kilos). I settled on a good ol’ generic American one that came in at 5.5 kilos. She’s thawing in the fridge as I type. I did a trial run with chicken, and intend to scale up the recipe for the turkey. It was really good with this (in my brother’s words when I sent my family photos of it) malnourished looking organic chicken, so I have high hopes.

Frugal turkey trial run: Test roasting a chicken

Dry-Brined Roast Chicken

Ingredients

1 organic chicken, around 1.5 kg

A few sprigs of rosemary (4 – 5)

A small bunch of thyme (around 8 stalks)

Sea Salt (I used pink Himalayan)

A few slices of butter (cut from a stick)

What I served with:

4 potatoes, cut into chunks (around 4 per potato)

1 large onion, quartered

A few garlic cloves, unpeeled

The day before you want to roast the chicken, rinse the chicken with hot water and pat it dry. Rub a few tablespoons of salt into the skin of the chicken – really get onto every surface you can, erm, reach. Leave the chicken overnight in the fridge (uncovered, this really important) to dry out.

Take the chicken out of the fridge a good hour before you start roasting. Pull the leaves off the rosemary stalks, leaving a few to stuff into the bird. Same with the thyme. With your fingers, gently lift the skin of the chicken off the breast, taking care not to tear the skin. Insert the rosemary and thyme leaves and slices of butter, using your fingers to push the herbs and butter further “in”. Place chicken on the bed you’ve made of it out of onions, garlic and and potatoes in the roasting tin.

Preheat oven to 220 deg C.

Place roasting tin in the oven, close the door, then turn the temperature down to 180 deg C. Roast for about 45 minutes to an hour. After 45 minutes, test for doneness – juices should run clear or temperature of the chicken at the thighs should be above 80 deg C.

Let the chicken rest, around 20 minutes before serving (tearing into it) with the roasted root veg, which should be nice and sticky and caramelized. 

And the journey continues

I believe I've settled into something of a routine.

A typical day for me would look like this:

5.30 - 6 am: Wake up, engorged and (sometimes) leaking. Express milk. Yield is usually 7-8 oz. On my worst days (e.g. when I'm sick - this happened twice), I get 5 oz from both breasts. On the best days, almost 9 oz. No matter how much durian/oats/dates I consume, maximum yield is 9 oz.

6 am - 6.30 am: Go back to sleep. In my ideal world I would be exercising/at least be doing some sun salutations. Like I said, in my ideal world.

6.30 - 7.00 am: Get myself washed up and ready for work.

7.00 - 7.30 am: Wake Emma up to nurse. This is so she can drain my breasts, relieving me of the need to pump until at least 11 am. Also, she then stays full until later in the morning, relieving her caregivers of the need to prep her milk so early. This gives time for my maid to get the bulk of her chores done for the day. I also like to think she's getting my hind milk, i.e. the thick, fatty milk that keeps her full (and fat :)) She usually falls right back to sleep after she nurses. Sometimes, she stays awake and is quite content to play by herself until she falls asleep.

7.30 - 7.40 am: Make coffee to go, and blend my smoothie (prepped the night before - more on that below).

7.40 - 8.00 am: Commute to work.

8.00 am - 4.45 pm: Work. I usually pump at least once in our Company's handsome Mother's Room. If my day gets too busy I pump during my lunch hour and during the drive home (with AK driving of course - I haven't mastered the art of driving and pumping. Update: I tried pumping while driving once - epic fail. Not only was I too tense to release any milk, and this is despite being engorged, it was such a messy affair. I ended up with more milk on my clothes than in the bottle ).

4.45 - 5.20 pm: Commute home. Once I get home, depending on her appetite, Emma usually wants to nurse immediately. If I'm lucky she's asleep and I get to either exercise on my elliptical trainer or do a bit of gardening. If I'm too exhausted I usually take Emma up to our room, and she nurses until we both fall asleep. Sometimes if my yield at work is inadequate, I tandem pump and nurse.

My setup at my workplace's fabulous Mothers' Room. This is when I was still using the Freestyle.
 

Evenings are usually a haze of nursing while watching TV,reading, and/or social networking and playing with Emma. When my mum was here we'd sometimes carry her and go for walks around the neighbourhood.

After dinner I'm usually busy packing up my pump stuff (washed and dried by our maid, thankfully) and prepping my soaked oats for breakfast the next day.

9 pm is when we take Emma up to the room to settle into bedtime. We'd either read to her or Daddy would tell her stories. Daddy puts a fresh diaper on her and mummy gives her face and hands a nice rub down, and we both put her in her sleeping bag. She would want to nurse until she falls asleep, usually around 11 pm. I usually follow suit, falling asleep after her daddy unlatches her from me and carries her over to her crib.

Here are some things I do to make life as a working, pumping mum a lot easier:

1) I own two sets of pumps.
It wasn't my intention to buy two, really. The first pump I bought was a Medela Freestyle, which I used only once or twice a day when I was still on leave. While its suction is hardly the best (more on that later), what I really love about it is that this is truly hands-free pump. The pump and its connecting kit is designed to be hands-free. Once you attach it to your nursing bra, there's no worry that anything's going to fall off. The parts also feel solid and seemingly constructed from high quality plastic. BUT the problem with the Freestyle is, well, the pump itself. As I was into my second week back at work my yield started getting less and less. I had to resort to all kinds of self-psyching to try to simulate second letdowns. And I knew, I had to change something soon. So I did a bit more research online, and decided to give Spectra a try. After testing out the M1 and the S9 at pumponthego, I decided to go with the M1. Slightly less high tech (no time indicator), but I felt had a beter "pull" from the breasts, vs. the S9 which felt like the FS, tugging at the nipples only. In order to use the bottles I already had, I also had to purchase the bottle adaptors. The problem with the Spectra is that I can't use it hands-free. Luckily I also purchased a hands-free bra thingy (essentially a tube with holes cut out for the pumps, with some additional supporting fabric). I now use the FS at home, so I am free to move around and am less prone to grogginess-induced spills in the morning. I take the M1 to work, where I have to sit down anyway. I soon learned that the M1 has MUCH stronger suction than what I'm used to with the FS, and I've only been using the massage mode at the highest level, as its suction mode at even the lowest level is painful for me.But even at the massage mode, it packs a powerful punch. Now that I've found my happy groove with my pumping system, I am pretty proud to say that I am an overproducing mum. Not by a lot, but enough to freeze around 20 oz of milk a week.

Best ever yield at work - thanks to the Spectra M1, I believe

2) "Pre-programming"
Let me explain myself here. Once Emma started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, I started waking up at wee hours in the morning engorged. Instead of sleeping it off and just letting Emma latch when she woke up, I pumped. I'd prep my pump kit the night before, assembling everything so that when I woke up, all I had to do was strap on and pump away (this is where the Medela Freestyle and its hands free kit comes in). So even though I was only getting 5-6 hours of sleep at a stretch, I persevered. After pumping and relieving the engorgement, I'd let Emma latch (when she awoke). I'd then let her latch the rest of the day, sometimes pumping and nursing in tandem (though not consistently). I believe the early morning pump is the single most important habit I adopted. I was making my body used to producing more milk at night, and building up a nice inventory at the same time. Now, even when I dont have so much time to pump at work, I know it can't get too bad, with the morning's usual 8-9 oz of freshly expressed milk already in the fridge and the stash of frozen milk in the deep freeze. That way, I don't have to pressure myself about my yield at work, which translates into a more relaxed me, which results in more milk anyway! It could have been a vicious cycle for me(stress-pump less-stress more-pump even less), but thankfully it hasn't been.

Freezer stash. Two drawers filled with nothing but packs of frozen expressed breastmilk for peace of mind

 

3) Morning smoothies
OK, I don't know how much this has contributed, but I do it anyway. Every weekday morning, I drink my milk-booster smoothie. It's a combination of a bunch of really healthy stuff - 1/4 cup of rolled oats, 1 cup sugar free soy milk, a tablespoon or two of coconut oil, two teaspoons ground flaxseeds and a medium banana. This is how I do it. Every week or so I buy a big bunch of bananas, slice them, throw them into a ziploc bag and stash in the freezer. Every night, I mix up a jar of  the rest of the ingredients and leave them to soak in a jar in the fridge overnight. In the morning I just throw in a few slices of frozen banana along with the soaked mixture and whiz away. Lately, in lieau of the upcoming fasting month and all, there's been an abundance of dates in the local grocery stores, so I've been throwing them in as well (removing the seeds before of course). I usually sip on the smoothie on the way to work. Like I said, I don't know if it's really boosting my milk supply, but coconut oil and flaxseeds especially are so good for both mums and babies that I use them anyway.

So that's how I've been doing it so far. I really hope to be able to keep this up until Emma turns one. We'll see.

On the B-word

2-month-old milk monster

I have a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. I knew I would breastfeed, or at least try to. What I didn't do was read/research enough about the topic before delivery. 

My hospital

I was lucky enough to "choose" Pantai Hospital Kuala Lumpur. How I came to this hospital - through my gynae, whom I landed on merely because her clinic is 5 minutes' drive from our house. She's affiliated with Pantai. It was a toss-up initially between the more luxurious hotel hospital in KL that was located in the heart of downtown KL and this one a 20 minute drive away. I was too lazy to make the long monthly/biweekly drive for my checkups, so Pantai it was. Turns out it is a hospital  truly genuine about encouraging breastfeeding. We attended their prenatal classes, where they strongly advocated/encouraged it and had specific sessions on latching, positioning, diet, etc. In fact I felt they were a little too enthusiastic, almost bordering on forceful. 

After my delivery and Emma had to extend her stay due to jaundice for phototherapy, my stay was automatically extended just to breastfeed her. The nurses wheeled her into my room every 2-3 hours for me to breastfeed, day and night, and helped me with my latching. I had visits from the hospital's lactation consultants and one of them, Sister Uma Devi, even identified Emma's tongue-tie problem on the 3rd day. After Googling it we made the quick decision to get the tongue tie removed (it's a 2-second snip by a surgeon) and that made a WORLD of difference in the latch. She even made us come back a week after we were discharged to check on how we were improving. I will be forever grateful to her. I'd recommend this hospital in a heartbeat, though I read good things about the other hospital too.

Of course it's good for us

I won't go into detail on the benefits of breast milk vs formula (everyone's enthusing about the latest study on longer term benefits) - there's plenty of literature out there. I agree with almost everything this excellent blog post says about the other benefits, except for two - the weight loss and saving money parts (I'll get to those in a while). 

The biggest plus for me, the reason why I kinda love breastfeeding, well, I'll just show you:-

Post feeding bliss :)

Pumping and all that jazz

When I said no need to sterilize/wash bottles, I didn't mean no washing at all. I started pumping to build up supply for when I return to work, and those pump parts and bottles need to be washed and cleaned. I'll admit that part of the reason I pump less than I should is the laziness to handle the pump parts. Then there's the much-despised midnight (or early morning, for me) pumping. The ironic thing is that my baby has learnt to sleep through the night (falls asleep at around 12 to 1 am and wakes at around 6 - 6.30 am), my breasts have yet to learn to do the same. I have to set my alarm to 5 am to pump my engorged breasts (if I'm too tired the girls will helpfully leak some milk - nothing like a cold wet night shirt if the alarm snooze button doesn't work). 

I have to say though - I'm getting into the pumping groove. I've pumped in the car after we went to watch  Russel Peters perform live one and a half months post partum, and in a washroom in Gardens Mid Valley (my tip: carry rubbing alcohol in the pump bag in case you can't find/occupy a nursing room).

Contrary to what everyone says, it ain't cheap

And speaking of pumping, unless you're a full time stay at home mum who has the time (and the sanity) to directly latch all the time, I'm starting to feel that this claim that breastfeeding saves money (vs. buying formula) is a sham. Did I mention how much the top-of-the-line portable electric double breast pump costs? I need to breastfeed for 20 weeks before I recover the cost of the pump. Then there's the cost of the breastfeeding pillow (I found this extremely useful in the early weeks), additional bottles and storage bags, nursing bras, breast pads, nursing cover, the hand pump I intend to purchase as a spare in case my electric one lets me down....you get the gist. 

The downsides

My biggest beef with breastfeeding. While I love the bond it creates between my baby and I, that I am her sole source of nutrition, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it, well - suffocating, at times. There, I said it. Somehow I imagined I could cook and bake more, and go shopping during these 3 months of maternity leave - hah. Emma happens to be a consummate snacker (I suppose she takes after me), and loves to take smaller meals at short intervals (every hour/hour and a half sometimes vs. the norm of 2-3 hours). We try to time outings after her feedings, but then again, I've fed her in the car (it's become a norm for us), in friends's houses, in my gynae clinic, in One Utama and Publika. I admit, I sometimes resent being forced to sit down and do nothing else. Which leads me to the weight loss part - I am (sadly) not one of those mums who dropped the pregnancy weight breastfeeding and eating all I want (another claim I am skeptical about now). Maybe it's the lack of sleep, every day all I want to eat are chocolate, cookies and cake. Not helping the situation. I put on 14 kilos in total, and shed 8 of them in the delivery. Today after 10 weeks I have shed only an additional 2 - 3 kilos. And the flab - well, it's depressing really. Granted, it's hard to lose weight sitting all day and breastfeeding.

I gradually learnt to adapt though - I learnt to carry her and walk while breastfeeding, while keeping my posture straight - tightening the abs. Small but significant. And I specifically make time for exercise in the evenings - I make sure she gets a good meal beforehand, then hand her over to my helper while I toil on the elliptical trainer and free weights. Part of me feels a little guilty - I should be power pumping or something during this free time, but I choose to exercise. And I don't really care about the fitness thing - I know I'm pretty strong - I want to lose the weight so I can feel like my glorious skinny self again and fit into my old office wear. Yes, I choose to do something for myself and not my baby.

Well, it'll only be another 3 weeks until I have to go back to work, then the pumping begins, and my biggest worry - will I be able to express enough for her while I'm away - will be put to the test. I have a large stash of frozen breastmilk lined up, along with milk booster tea, spare hand pump, pump wipes, and nursing cover.

Plus a tin of formula just in case.

Wish me luck!

My so-called confinement

It's been more than six weeks since Emma came into our lives, and I am so dreading going back to work and leaving my little angel behind.

My post-partum recovery was smooth and quick. I was on my feet and walking to the hospital's Starbucks cafe on my second day. I did have an episiotomy and experienced some pain in the first week. I was terrified of infection - I mean, even when clean the stitches hurt. And Googling some of other people's experiences made me even more fearful, so I was super diligent with my sitz washes and hygiene in general. 

I have to say though, I started out never really agreeing with traditional Chinese confinement practices, and I know now I absolutely detest them. I'm sorry, I imagine practices like not bathing and washing one's hair (some traditionalists go so far as not allowing mothers wash their hands in tap water - only warm water), shunning ceiling fans (air conditioning is ok - go figure), imbibing copious amounts of alcohol, consuming loads of "heaty" ginger and sesame oil, drinking nothing but red dates tea, etc. maybe worked in ancient China where the air was dry the winters were cold, and wet nursing a legitimate business. But in the tropics, with over 90% humidity, and the fact that I delivered in the hottest, least rainy time of the year - this was a battle I was ready to fight. Seriously, some of these practices, like eating tons of ginger and drinking alcohol, could endanger newborns by worsening jaundice if a mother chooses to breastfeed (and 90% of Malaysian Chinese babies contract it).

Here's what I did/didn't do during my confinement:

1) I chose not engage a confinement lady. A long-practiced Chinese tradition, the CL is supposed to stay in one's home the month post-partum, and help look after the mother and newborn. Duties include preparing food  that help with the mother's recovery, take care of the newborn (especially at night to let the mother get her rest), and maybe do a bit of light housework. My thought was, with our newly arrived helper and my mum staying with us the first month, I did not want another person in the house to deal with. I think it turned out to be a great decision, thanks to my feelings about confinement practices in general (see above, and below). On another note, it never dawned on me that the confinement month was meant for the mother to basically rest and let everyone else do stuff for you, including take care of and feed the baby at night. I took care of Emma myself at night, and in the day I changed her diapers, gave her sponge baths, even baked cookies. My mother-in-law was shocked when she came by and found me spooning cookie dough onto baking sheets one evening. Looking back, I'm glad I did all I did. I'm pretty confident I can take care of Emma myself, and I adapted easily when my mum left for Penang and AK returned to work.

2) Food. Such a big deal in Chinese confinement. We got confinement food catered from this confinement centre. It's amazing, the mummy-and-baby services and products you can get these days. There is a huge market for high-end baby/children's products and I have to say, whatever products I found recommended online in the US, UK, or Australian websites, etc. are not only all available in Malaysia, most of the Malaysian suppliers take online orders too! More on that later.

Back to the confinement food deliveries. All I can say is, thank the Lord I decided to only go for the one meal per day package.  I hated the food - the sickly sweet soups chockful of dried longans, the vinegar pork (just not my thing, I really can't stand anything with vinegar - I understand many people love this dish), flabby salmon (to their credit, the fish was fresh. I just can't swallow cooked salmon). To be fair, I am probably not your typical Chinese gal, and most people would just suck it up and down the food. Many people even enjoy it. What I did NOT find at all acceptable was the fact that even though AK called and told them that I could not take ginger/sesame oil/traditional herbs like dong gui (angelica if I'm not mistaken), etc. because Emma had jaundice (in fact she has to remain in the hospital under UV therapy for 4 days after I delivered), they made no changes at all to the food preparations. Just as well, I pushed most of my food to poor AK and my mum, who ended up with ulcers because of the excessive amounts of ginger, sesame oil and whatnot. What did I eat? My mum's black bean and black chicken soup, pork ribs soup, roasted pork my mother in-law loved to buy, kampung chicken soup, stir-fried beef, omelettes, steamed eggs - all paired with brown rice from the confinement centre (that I could eat). For breakfast I ate oats with soy milk, and I added virgin coconut oil as I read a lot on its benefits for lactating mothers. In all truth, I was so sick of all the bland, healthy food that as the days wore on I ate less and less of my lunch and dinner, until at 3 plus weeks my mum caved and made chicken curry for me. Bliss.

3) I spent a grand total of 5 days without showering. These were the days I was cooped up in the hospital with Emma, where the air conditioning was cold and the bathroom just didn't feel conducive. As soon as we were discharged and I arrived home though, I headed straight for the shower. I did use the herbal mixture I purchased from Tanamera - got my helper to boil the herbs and added them to my bath water. A friend of ours also gifted me with a shower foam and shampoo set, traditionally made by a local Sabahan especially for post natal use. I ended up using the shower foam more than the herbs, purely because I was too impatient to get my herbs boiled, and the convenience of the ready made shower foam made it easy. I really really love the shampoo - left my hair glossy and better than it was during my pregnancy.

4) I signed up for 5 days of post-natal massages from Tanamera. I had heard good things about traditional Malay massage, hot stone treatment ("Tungku"), and abdominal wrapping ("bengkung") package. I would have loved every 2-hour session if I didn't hear poor Emma calling out for mummy every now and then :(. I did express milk beforehand for my mum and AK to syringe feed her, but she was pretty adamant she wanted her milk straight from the source. Other than that, the massages were such an indulgence. (Is it just me, or Isn't confinement like a one-month holiday - getting massages, the best of foods, etc. and you do nothing other than breastfeed haha :)). After each massage, my therapist would heat large river stones, wrap them with herbs and gently massage my abdomen. Then came the spice paste which was spread all over the ab area, and over that a corset-like wrap I was supposed to wear for as long as I could tolerate. I usually lasted around 5 hours, with the hot, spicy paste burning against my skin and the tightness of the corset. I don't know for sure if my uterus shrunk a little more, if any additional gas/"wind" was expelled, to tell the truth. But it felt good after and while I still have a thick layer of abdominal fat to get rid of, my gynae did tell me that my uterus shrank very fast.

5) I started going for walks with Emma around our neighborhood after the second week. I just felt that I needed to stretch my legs and get out of the house. In the evenings, if I wasn't too tired, I'd put Emma in her jogger, ignore my mum's protests and head to the neighborhood park. It was a sanity saver for me.

Well all I can say is that thank God it's all over. It's been a month since, and I still eat pretty healthy, thanks to my helper who cooks daily for me. And I still drink my red dates tea once a day, to help with milk production. But at least I do it because I want to.

Emma's first night home